The Jabbing Actor: Overlooked for a gong yet again

TCW Defending Freedom has heard once again from Britain’s leading crisis thespian, the ‘Jabbing Actor’ Erasmus Demosthenes Hepplewhite. He expresses his disappointment on being omitted from the New Year Honours List.

THE day had not started well. The young men from Nigeria who had made it across the Channel seeking refuge from the deprivations and perils of strife-stricken France were not happy with the quality of the fufu I had delivered to them. 

I then discovered from a discarded copy of the Guardian, found as I cycled home, that, yet again, I had been overlooked in the New Year Honours List.

My chagrin was compounded when I discovered that the beneficiaries included individuals who, like me, had played vital roles during the dreadful pandemic.

Gongs were handed to various Members of Parliament who had voted for the restrictions; a knighthood was proffered to a distinguished Professor called Edmunds who cheered on the lockdowns; a knighthood was also thrust on a chap called Javid who did his best to jab everyone, and there was even a reward for a brave radio presenter named Whale who insulted any of his listeners who refused to be inoculated.

But who was it who had to heighten the terror in the public by lying prostrate, contorted in agony, in a hospital bed for hours on end while government and media photographers worked on their most gruesome pictures? It was Erasmus Demosthenes Hepplewhite!

Who became the tormented, anguished masked face of thousands of Stay Home / Stay Safe posters? It was Erasmus Demosthenes Hepplewhite!

And who visited countless hospitals to instruct their nurses to ensure that their various dance routines from 1980s musicals touched the hearts and minds of the public? It was, of course, Erasmus Demosthenes Hepplewhite!

I feel it is true to say that without my contribution to Project Fear the resulting devastation would have been incalculable and impossible for the public to bear. 

Even without those contributions to civic life I believe the considerable advice I have given freely to the members of the Gunnersbury and Brentford Actors Collective (GABAC) warrants at least a British Empire Medal.

As I reflect on my misfortune, I take comfort from the wise words of dear, dear Dame Judi. I recall her apposite remark when she came to Rada to present to a manifestly inferior fellow actor the Sir Paul McCartney Award for Impersonation: ‘Dear boy, the brightest flower starts as a seed. Be happy as the seed, dear boy, be happy as the seed! Now be a darling and a fetch me a vodka and Vimto; not too much ice. Oh, and a sausage roll if there is one.’

Despite my lingering disappointment and a profound sense of injustice, 2024 promises to be a year to remember for Erasmus Demosthenes Hepplewhite. Mr Gates has promised the delivery of another deadly virus, and one of the young Nigerians to whom I supplied sustenance today told me that he was a man of great wealth, being the Prince of Adamawa. In gratitude for providing him with my bank details he promised to share with me the several million dollars tied up in red tape by the authorities in his home country. 

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