HELLO, and if I may use a phrase that has stood me in good stead over the years, ‘Happy New Year’. You don’t hear these three words often enough and I would encourage parents, pupils and fellow staff members to use it.
Away in a manger
I was delighted to see the number of parents who came to marvel at our recent charity Nativity Scene that was staged in the gymnasium. With a manger, straw and a star above, it visibly moved many. Special thanks to our talented geography teacher Mr Lammy who stood patiently as the donkey – it was a long day.
STOP PRESS: Following several complaints, the school realises that the Nativity Scene was an offensive and ill-judged tableau. We apologise unreservedly for the upset caused, and as usual in such situations we will send all those involved in this shaming spectacle on a brief mandatory seven-week re-training refresher module. I trust that will put an end to this unsettling matter.
Turkey with a twist
I very much hope that each one of you had a good Winterval. Whilst I am never off duty as such, I try to find time to put aside the worries and pressures of being Headmaster. December 25 is one such day, and this year we were able to enjoy a delicious meal, expertly prepared by Mrs Headmaster.
With bird flu being a concern, we opted for some tofu twizzlers cooked in our brand new Chinese-made air fryer. Interestingly, when the cooking time is reached, instead of the usual ping, this model alerts you with the words ‘Please speak loudly and clearly’ – it’s a trifle unnerving to start with, but you get used to it.
Not quite full
As we excitedly look forward to Recession Term, may I point out that the ill-informed chatter concerning school numbers is both unwelcome and something of a distraction from more important issues. Yes, we have received a deluge of applications to join Rayner’s Lane, many from overseas students keen to take advantage of the many positives we have to offer. Whilst we will strive to accommodate them, there is a limit. That is why a line has had to be drawn in the sand, and we have reluctantly had to turn down local privileged families who suddenly find themselves struggling with an unexpected increase in school fees. They find that the BoJo Academy, for example, is no longer value for money. I wish them well and suggest they turn their attention to other reputable local seats of learning, though I recommend them to steer well clear of the thoroughly discredited Reform School in Farage Street.
Farewell to Rachel from accounts
There will, I know, be a great deal of disappointment at the surprise resignation of the bursar Ms Reeves at a date yet to be announced. No one has done more to balance the books and put Rayner’s Lane on a firm financial footing. She will be sorely missed, and we wish her well going forward.
Any ideas?
I like to think that Rayner’s Lane is home to some of the best brains in the educational world. With teachers such as Ms Cooper, Ms Phillipson, Mr Miliband and Ms Rayner, it sometimes feels as though we have been blessed with an ‘embarrassment of riches’.
Yet, despite the combined brilliance these outstanding individuals contribute daily, it would be a fool who didn’t occasionally seek help and inspiration from outsiders. That is why I have this week undertaken a blanket mailing to all residents in the borough requesting their input.
I anticipate a terrific response to my question: ‘Do you have any dynamic proposals that will energise the school via pro-growth initiatives’?
I will keep you informed of developments, but would point out that the anonymous email suggesting the school would be better served by being razed to the ground is neither amusing or acceptable.
Technology gone mad!
The School has been contacted by many parents asking whether we were aware of the comments being flashed up indiscriminately on the LED digital advertising hoarding in the window of Mr Musk’s Liberium Oratio internet café. The short answer is, yes, thank you, we are.
Most children were familiar with this device and its flashing messages, such as £5 per hour internet access, electric cars on special offer or the odd invitation fly to the moon for £50 one way.
These tempting offers were very much in character for Mr Musk – a slightly odd individual who has not fitted in well within the neighbourhood. This gaudy display was, until a few days ago, wishing passers-by ‘Happy New Year’. It would appear that recently there has been some type of technological malfunction in the algorithms that serve up these illuminated communications, and that is what has upset many residents.
In the last week we have seen peculiar and random phrases such as ‘The Headmaster is an idiot’, ‘The School is useless’ and ‘Jess Phillips belongs in jail’. Quite why Ms Phillips, one of Rayner’s Lane most dedicated and passionate employees, who has done more than anyone in looking after pupils’ emotional, physical and spiritual needs, should be singled out for such unwarranted criticism is beyond comprehension.
I reached out to Mr Musk and requested that he attend to this problematic issue immediately and that he unplugs the offending gadget forthwith. I am happy to report that Mr Musk has responded and that the appliance has deleted these distasteful slogans.
He has kindly put up an apology in Latin, ‘ad somnia‘, which I hope means ‘Sorry’.
