THE assertion of the new Health Minister, Ashley Dalton, that people may identify as llamas or whatever animal they choose, has prompted some of her West Lancashire constituents on an estate in Skelmersdale to identify as the woolly Andean camelid. They have benefited from their decision in that they are no longer required to pay council tax or indeed any other form of taxation.
Labour-controlled West Lancashire Borough Council have designated their llama residents as a protected species and have been providing them with regular deliveries of hay during the winter. However, tension has been building with a group in neighbouring Burscough who deem themselves to be yaks, and a dispute has arisen over grazing rights in the Ormskirk area.
Over in Parbold some people who regard themselves as sloths, and rather superior, have been asked to mediate, but their progress has so far been dilatory to say the least. One of their members whom we found dwelling in a tree suggested that the yaks and the llamas should sort it out for themselves. He then munched on a leaf and fell into a deep slumber.
Meanwhile the Labour Party in Wales have been considering banning dogs in certain areas. They have been advised that recent arrivals have an aversion to our four-legged friends. A spokesperson told TCW: ‘Truth to tell, every dog has its day and the days of the dog in Wales are long gone. Dogs are inherently racist, especially Alsatians and Bedlington terriers. We must move with the time and appreciate the sensibilities of the new Welsh. Allahu akbar and yaki dah.’
It is thought likely that other parts of the UK will also repudiate Rover. A spokesperson for Tracy Brabin, Mayor of the West Yorkshire Combined Authority, indicated that dogs would soon be banished from Bradford, Bingley and Batley.
In Scotland, there is a clamour from some members of the Scottish Nationalist Party to cancel cats. Their Cats Czar, the mousy Hamish McJerry, told us in a squeaky voice: ‘For too long these beasties have ruled the roost. The toms regularly cause mayhem to other wee folk such as me.’ His comments were echoed by Miss McTweetiepie: ‘Ah’ve lost count o’ the number o’ times ah’ve been bullied by cats. There’s yin in particular, called Sylvester, that needs tae vanish!’
The City Mayor for Leicester, Sir Peter Soulsby, has denied claims that he is to release cows to roam freely in the City’s Beaumont Park next month. He explained, ‘Yes, we are constantly looking at ways to make our community feel more at home but there has been disagreement about whether Belted Galloways or Jerseys would be most appropriate, so we have parked the issue (if you will excuse my pun!)’ The Mayor was tight-lipped about the rumoured introduction of elephants into Abbey Park.
