SIR Keir Starmer’s meeting with Donald Trump in Washington last week was hailed a success. The clincher came when the Prime Minister handed the president a letter from King Charles, inviting him to meet in Scotland. Trump was ecstatic. However, Starmer’s royal masterstroke wasn’t the harmonious diplomatic coup it seemed, as these leaked notes between Downing Street and Buckingham Palace reveal . . .
Your Majesty,
Following President Trump’s re-election, it would be to the immeasurable benefit of Britain if you would graciously consent to issue an invitation to him to visit you in Scotland next summer. A suitable venue would be Balmoral. If you are agreeable, I propose taking your letter of invitation personally to the President when I meet him in Washington on February 27. Thank you in anticipation of your acceptance of this proposal.
Dear Prime Minister,
Regarding your communication re President Trump. I have checked my schedule for next summer and unfortunately it will not allow for such a meeting. Perhaps we can return to the matter some time further into the future.
Your Majesty,
I was disappointed to receive your negative response regarding a visit by President Trump. Once again, I would like to emphasise the benefit such an event would be for this country, particularly with the public finances being under great pressure. I ask you urgently to reconsider.
Dear Prime Minister,
I have once again checked my schedule and can reaffirm that it would be impossible for me to host a visit by President Trump at Balmoral. I could offer you a substitute, but the only member of my family available at that time is Prince Andrew. Please accept my apologies, but reluctantly I must now consider this matter closed.
Your Majesty,
With the greatest respect, I must ask you to adjust your schedule to accommodate a visit by President Trump.
Dear Prime Minister,
I refer you to my previous letter regarding this matter.
Your Majesty,
My disappointment has turned to concern. I feel it is only right at this juncture to remind you of the strong republican sentiment within the Labour Party. Until now, I have managed to keep the lid on it. But if the economy tanks even further, there will inevitably be calls for public spending cuts. Can I respectfully remind you that your annual Sovereign Grant is £86.3million, and the taxpayer is currently spending £369million on refurbishing Buckingham Palace.
Dear Prime Minster,
I was alarmed by the tone of your last communication. I hesitate to say it, but I received the distinct impression that you are issuing a threat of some description.
Your Majesty,
Okay, cards on the table. I’ve got the country into a right mess and I desperately need someone to pull the irons out of the fire for me. Now we know Trump’s a rabid right-wing megalomaniac who should be in an asylum rather than the White House, but we need a trade deal with him to stop our economy going down the pan. I know you’d rather be slaughtering grouse or talking to your begonias, but this is a national emergency. As you know, Trump’s a sucker for royalty and he’s part Scottish. Just put up with him for a few days at Balmoral, let him parade round in a kilt and sporran, playing the bagpipes, that sort of thing. He’ll love it.
Dear Prime Minister,
Oh, dash it all – are you serious? Balmoral is the only real break I have all year. And you want me to have Trump over! Bloody Trump of all people! The last thing I want is that oaf gallumphing round, bellowing about ‘fake noos’. When he was here last time in 2019, Camilla and I had him over for tea at Clarence House. It was like pulling teeth. It’s not fair asking me to disrupt my summer holiday. I mean, I won’t be able to host the Inverbolloch Highland Games. Did you know that Big Hamish McHamish is tipped to break the haggis-putting record there next year? As for Balmoral, our normal schedule will be in disarray. I’ll have to cancel the ghillies’ ball.
Your Majesty,
I fully sympathise with your misgivings. However, there are worse things than your ghillies having no balls. I need not remind you what happened to the last King Charles who defied Parliament.
Dear Prime Minister,
Oh, very well, I’ll do it – but under protest. Write the bloody letter and I’ll sign it. Just remember though, Starmer, you won’t always be Prime Minister and one day you’ll be looking for a cushy seat in the Lords. I might remind you that it’s the monarch who appoints peers – or refuses to appoint them. Enjoy your toadying trip to Washington.
