FOR far too long the Home Office, through the Police Service and the judiciary have set the standard in accommodating the mores and traditions of new Brits who adhere to alternative cultures. Whether it be simple measures such as confiscating the offensive St George’s flag from children, or more contentious issues such as accepting the application of Sharia law, or the failing to deport monsters who preyed on vulnerable children, Shabana Mahmood’s department has been pathfinders par excellence.
In spite of their army of hard working diversity officers and their continued reference to ‘birthing people’, the NHS has been remiss in matching the inclusivity achievements of the Home Office. However, the gauntlet has finally been flung down and dedicated teams are working round the clock to ensure that our health gurus are unmatched in their dedication to perverse initiatives that pander to the interests of minorities.
Last week, in a block buster announcement, a previously unheard of quango, the NHS England’s Genomics Education Programme, published guidance that contradicts thousands of years of evidence. It declared that first-cousin marriages are beneficial as they are linked to ‘stronger extended family support systems and economic advantages’.
The Department of Health is eager to build on this revelation. TCW can reveal that a unit has been set up to investigate the health benefits achieved through the use of the West African practice of Juju. They are being helped in their research by a number of highly qualified Nigerian witch doctors. The shortage of monkey heads in the UK has been somewhat of a problem but they are confident that sheep skulls will have similar effectiveness in the healing or cursing process. The results of the trials, taking place in Banbury, will be published in the spring of 2026.
Egged on by Greta (the Doom Goblin) and others, many young people are suffering from a condition known as ‘climate anxiety’. Symptoms include cowering under the stairs during periods of heavy rain and frothing at the mouth during heatwaves.
Drugs such as Valium have proved to be largely ineffective in dealing with the ailment and the NHS has had to look elsewhere for solutions. In collaboration with moronic Ed Miliband’s oxymoronic Department for Energy Security and Net Zero, the NHS is about to experiment with human sacrifice in an attempt to appease the weather gods.
To this end, the Department of Health is funding a pyramid based on the Mesoamerican Temple of Kukulcan in the Yucatan peninsula. The structure is awaiting planning consent from Doncaster Council. Once built the intention is to initially experiment with chickens.
In a further attempt to usurp the Home Office in their position as leaders in all things ‘diverse’, an NHS forum is investigating the belief of some Far Eastern cultures that many health problems are caused by evil spirits. They have suggested that all hospitals adopt the Buddhist festival of Dosmoche, also known as the ‘festival of the scapegoat’.
A goat is being prepared at a secret location in Lancashire and during the ceremony hospital consultants will attempt to imbue the animal with the evil spirits residing in their patients. This experimental treatment is scheduled to take place next February, at Victoria Hospital, Blackpool. NHS bosses believe that anything they do there is better than the care recently inflicted on patients. Visitors who encounter the goat wandering along the promenade are to be asked not to approach the animal nor feed it pies or chips.
The Government has made it clear that no matter how extraordinary they may be, the beliefs of our newly arrived doctors and engineers will be accommodated in the multicultural nirvana they are creating.
