MONEY worries, unwelcome visitors, donkey trouble and an old friend reaching out: it’s been a busy few weeks at Rayner’s Lane Comprehensive – the school that puts the teachers first.
Money matters
Good financial planning is an invaluable quality, for which Rayner’s Lane has earned itself a justifiably proud reputation. What a pity that this admirable status has been undermined by some misinformed tittle-tattle targeting the Headmaster.
Parents might recall a successful fundraiser some years ago when a fruitful Bring ‘n’ Buy combined with a profitable tombola secured some £700,000 in revenue. This welcome sum surpassed our wildest expectations and was immediately used to benefit the school.
Sadly, a few malicious individuals with an axe to grind have made some unsavoury accusations, alleging that the Headmaster himself did not declare this sum correctly in the school’s ledger. Mr Starmer has kindly provided the following explanation:
‘I am happy to set the record straight regarding the windfall that has given rise to some lurid and frankly ill-advised comments. With such a substantial amount, I thought it prudent to obtain some independent advice and immediately engaged with an expert. Mr McSwindle, who runs Morgan’s Money Matters on the High Street as well as having a small office in Panama, sensibly suggested that this money should be listed as an “admin error” in Rayner’s Lane’s accounts – a shrewd proposal which I followed to the letter. There is nothing further to say on this matter and I have asked that prefects closely monitor pupils’ social media for troublesome posts.’
Stop being an ass
There has also been some gossip regarding a small seven-acre field adjoining the playground which Mr Starmer purchased many years ago with a view to setting up a donkey sanctuary.
Wishing to maximise capacity, the Headmaster decided to place the plot in a trust linked to a simple leveraged and indexed exchange traded fund. Quite why this straightforward and eminently sensible course of action has aroused interest remains a mystery.
We would ask that parents do not perpetuate an extremely unfunny quote from Mr Farage at the Reform School who has been apparently telling anyone who will listen to his increasingly deranged rantings that Rayner’s Lane is already full of tired old donkeys.
Who are you?
Several teachers have made representations to Mr Starmer about a sizeable number of unauthorised pupils attending classes. Rayner’s Lane has a well-documented entrance exam for those wishing to join and avail themselves of our outstanding facilities, most notably our first aid room and generous assisted places scheme. However, that is no excuse for so-called irregular pupils to turn up unannounced and take part in day-to-day activities.
Following extensive consultation with himself, the Headmaster came up with two eminently practical ideas to once and for all put an end to this difficulty.
1. Replace the broken fence with a new panel.
2. Ask a third-party company to develop a user-friendly biometric card with CMOS chip, GPU processor, command-line interface, network attached storage, machine readable zones, optical stripe, security thread and ghost secondary imaging.
Unsurprisingly, option one was felt to be unworkable on cost grounds so quite naturally Mr Starmer has plumped for Option Two, which looks straightforward, and most importantly can be delivered both on budget and to a definite timescale.
While we have not yet settled on a name for this vital identification, we have two popular suggestions: Pyongyang Penitentiary Pass or Krazee Keir’s Kommissar Kard. A decision will be made shortly, and we hope that parents will all make their supportive voices heard.
Should there be any queries concerning this project, we suggest that in the first instance parents talk with Ms Nandy, Head of Media Studies, who is an acknowledged expert on IT databases.
What’s on?
What a pleasure to hear from our ex-deputy headmistress Ms Rayner, who voluntarily left her post following a trivial disagreement. She is running a small art house cinema in town called ‘Red in the Water’ – which is an apparent nod to Angela’s love of all things nautical.
Via the school magazine, she has asked us to list films to be screened in the next few weeks. We are happy to oblige:
Die Another Day
Kill List
You Only Live Once
Thank you, Angela, for the two complimentary tickets for Mr and Mrs Starmer.
Would cinema-goers please note that due to a printing error on flyers advertising the cinema, the address was mistakenly printed as Hove Lane. Visitors should access the ticket booth via Liar’s Lane, just off Dinghy Drive.
Old jokes corner
Thanks to Ms Cooper, our domestic science teacher, for this rib-tickler:
Q. Why does the Headmaster always carry a pencil?
A. Because he likes to draw conclusions.
Gulag Term will start shortly – you have been warned.
