IN A doomed attempt to appear like a human being and reverse his abysmal poll ratings, Britain’s worst-ever Prime Minister, Sir Keir Starmer, has embarked on what Number Ten calls its ‘Custard Cream Offensive’. His advisers believe that an association with this popular biscuit will improve voters’ perception of the robotic imbecile.
Monday January 19 saw the start of the campaign. In an outstanding display of hypocrisy by someone who has done incalculable damage to the mental health of farmers, publicans, pensioners, small business owners and others, Starmer invited the good people from Samaritans to Downing Street to highlight their Brew Monday initiative. There he hosted staff and volunteers for an hour, treating them to coffee and custard creams.
Pam Nicholl, a volunteer from Samaritans in Farnborough, said: ‘I never expected that volunteering for Samaritans would lead me to share a custard cream with the Prime Minister.’
The Samaritans’ worthy efforts to engage with those in need through the publicity generated by ‘Brew Monday’ prompted Starmer’s team to plan similar initiatives.
In the coming weeks expect to see ‘Tree Tuesday’. After several minutes hugging an oak tree, the toolmaker’s son will attempt to sway rural voters into believing that he has their best interests at heart by offering a carefully selected cohort a cup of coffee and a custard cream. The delay in fixing a date for ‘Tree Tuesday’ is a result of his team being unable to find a location not threatened by farm closures, solar panel infestation or the intrusion of new pylons.
‘Tree Tuesday’ will be followed by ‘Warm Wednesday’. Hoping to shore up his loyal fan base, Sir Keir will be seen donating a packet of custard creams to recently arrived pensioners huddling to keep warm in a mosque in Blackburn. Questions about the exorbitant price of energy caused by Net Zero policies are unlikely to occur as a result of the poor language skills of the recipients.
The widely perceived notion that Starmer is bending over backwards to ingratiate himself with the Muslim community has led his team to plan a ‘Theological Thursday’. This will not involve him attending a Christian service but will give him the opportunity to take his biscuits to a ‘Bring and Buy’ or ‘Jumble Sale’ in a church hall.
The Starmer relaunch as a human being is planned to end with a ‘Frock Friday’. This will see the PM attending a meeting of the Women’s Institute accompanied by a bag full of custard creams. His refusal to sing Jerusalem, and his inability to define a woman, are causing difficulties in finding a group who are willing to invite him.
The author recommends Tesco Custard Creams priced at 60 pence.
