TCW has heard from Lord Charles ‘Chatty’ Chatterton. He has informed the residents of the villages comprising Greater Tittleham of a threat to the harmony of their environment from the Department for Environment, Food & Rural Affairs, and has agreed to share his letter.
My Dear Friends
I write to you once more to reassure you that in these trying times, when our civilisation is bombarded from all sides, I still strive with every sinew to protect the rural idyll that our families have built with blood, sweat and tears over the past thousand years.
Regrettably, it seems that each day a new threat emerges. The latest concerns a demand from the unconscionable Department for Environment, Food & Rural Affairs that the beautiful Tittleham Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty (TAONB) should become more ‘diverse’.
I have no idea what that means or entails. However, I assume it has something to do with giving preferential treatment to those people from distant lands with perverse cultures and traditions who have flooded our shores this past 30 years.
Lest you feel that I am in any way intolerant, I wish to point out that I was an acquaintance of the Nawab of Pataudi when he was at Oxford. I shall always remember the day I caught ‘Tiger’ at leg slip, off a sneaky Chinaman bowled by ‘Spiggy’ Bottomley. ‘Great catch, Chatty, my good fellow!’ was his generous retort. Furthermore, my cousin Cosmos became a good pal of his acupuncturist Me Pin U when he had problems with sciatica. Later the two of them started a successful chain of launderettes in the Bournemouth area.
I tell you this as a prelude to incorporating into this letter the following extract from the minutes of a recent Emergency General Meeting of the Tittleham Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty, a body of which I have the honour of being the Chairman.
The main item on the agenda was the peculiar demand of the aforementioned Department. Naturally, it caused a great deal of distress, and the discussion that ensued is reported here.
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Item 2: A Demand from DEFRA
There was considerable debate regarding this unwelcome missive. Nobody could offer a reason as to why we were not already ‘diverse’.
Various members offered suggestions about how we might preserve the peace and calm of our beloved verdant area.
Mrs Eustacia Swancourt offered to patrol Nether Tittleham with her Pomeranian ‘Tilly’ to dissuade the wrong sort of visitor. Several members then commented on the use of dogs.
Hector Templeman wondered if Elon Musk or the boffins in China had made Robodogs that could patrol the perimeter. Thomasina Thomas believed that loudspeakers regularly emitting the sound of angry barking Alsatians might do the trick. Joshua Jopp suggested placing stuffed pit bull terriers near stiles on popular footpaths.
Miss Jane Denham (witch) was not a fan of roaming dogs as they would frighten her black cat, Jinn, but she was keen to put a spell on unwanted visitors. Miss Denham also offered to try to contact the spirit of the legendary ‘Phantom of Tittleham’ to terrify the outsiders.
Colonel Swancourt believed that he could procure some anti-personnel mines from an old contact in Zagreb. He offered to plant the mines after giving locals detailed maps of their locations. Some members felt that the purchase of such items would be difficult to justify to the auditors.
The Hon Diggory St Cleeve wondered if mantraps were still legal.
Donald Fanshawe-Wilder offered to dig some disguised pit traps to foil undesirable visitors.
Miss Elfride Constantine wanted to populate the area with wild boar.
Colonel Swancourt offered to booby-trap a number of stiles with home-made explosives.
The Chairman thanked the members for their constructive and innovative suggestions and promised that their feasibility would be thoroughly examined by a specially convened Steering Committee and appropriate action taken.
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Make no mistake, my friends, the Steering Committee members and I will stop at nothing to preserve the integrity of the wonderful trails, streams and slopes which are so important for our wellbeing.
I remain
Your ever vigilant servant
Lord Charles Chatterton
Tittleham Hall
Middle Tittleham
