SOME helpful guidance for pupils on what can said out loud, some disagreeable handbills, a timely warning concerning a resurgent school . . . it’s all go at Rayner’s Lane, the school that puts the fun in dysfunctional.
See it, don’t say it, sorted
Free speech, or freedom of expression as some refer to it, has long underpinned the day-to-day activity at Rayner’s Lane Academy. Pupils, both old and new, will be familiar with the debating society and the many passionate arguments made over the years. Similarly, the School has long adopted a relaxed approach to youngsters venting teenage angst against certain rules and regulations via gatherings inside and outside the premises.
The Headmaster himself has advocated a laissez faire approach to such matters, arguing quite rightly that all opinions are allowed and, however unpalatable, should be heard.
Sadly, due to some recent highly contentious utterances, Mr Starmer has been forced to act swiftly to introduce new guidelines regarding what may and may not be said. Phrases which to the unsuspecting seem innocuous such as ‘From the classroom to the playground’ or ‘Globalise the curriculum’ have a sinister and far more troubling meaning.
Going forward, prefects will be empowered to issue detention slips to any individual chanting, shouting, whispering or even thinking these words. This timely action will, the school hopes, put an end to this troublesome issue. Additionally, Mr Starmer has asked that some school societies’ activities are kept under close supervision.
Unfortunately, it has also been necessary to introduce some new rules regarding posters or flyers and their display on the main notice board outside the gymnasium. While many clubs, such as Ms Powell’s dog whistle class, Ms Thornberry’s flag group or Ms Rayner’s beginners dinghy sailing group, have regularly posted news concerning forthcoming events and day trips, latterly there has been a spate of unauthorised notices appearing, some lampooning Rayner’s Lane staff.
One example showed a domesticated South American camelid with a picture of Mr Starmer’s head superimposed on it. Underneath in bold print were the words, ‘A llama’s better than Starmer’. Similarly, the picture of Strictly Come Dancing judge Craig Revel Horwood with a speech bubble saying ‘The Headmaster’s a disaster’ was put up without any prior vetting.
These idiotic and frankly unamusing items are an unwanted distraction to a school and principal who are striving to offer the very best opportunities for their students. We will investigate and punish those responsible for this serious breach of protocol.
Thinking of going green?
No, nothing to do with the environment.
Several parents have been on the receiving end of a glossy door drop brochure from the recently renovated Nutters’ Academy in Green Lane. A largely forgotten and ignored seat of learning, it has recently found itself in the spotlight due to the unstinting efforts of Mr Polanski, the Svengali-like headmaster.
As an educator Mr Polanski has a somewhat chequered curriculum vitae, having dabbled in a variety of occupations including spokesperson for the Red Cross and hypnotist. He is perhaps best known for the authorship of Embonpoint and Decolletage 1960-2020. This well-reviewed tome, complete with a large colour photographic appendix, proved to be especially popular among boys, with the local library having to put it on their ‘wait list’. His other publication, Advances in Cosmetic Dentistry, was a total flop with copies being pulped one month after launch.
Anecdotally, we have heard that the entire teaching cadre comprises many characters whose views and opinions can be charitably described as ‘totally bonkers’. For any parent concerned about indoctrination and their progeny’s mental wellbeing, we suggest that they give this outlier an extremely wide berth.
Radio days
Mr Lammy, our indefatigable Geography teacher who is always happy to go the extra mile in all matters, found himself unfairly on the receiving end of a great deal of ridicule following a recent talk on our local radio station. He was, he thought, invited to talk about the many successes that Rayner’s Lane has enjoyed since the arrival of the new headmaster. In his 30-second slot he was instead subjected to a ludicrously complicated question regarding human anatomy and biology. Flustered and unprepared, he gave a somewhat muddle-headed answer – a simple error that many faced with such a dilemma would have made. Thank you, David, for being such a valuable ambassador.
Finally
Thank you to Mr Miliband, our Head of Climate Studies, for this topical rib-tickler:
Q: What do call it when your child teaches you something about the environment?
A: Instant Greta-fication.
The new term ‘infighting and backstabbing’ will start shortly. Would parents please ensure that all children are suitably prepared.
