SPACE exploration, cats and phones. It’s all go at Rayner’s Lane, the school that puts the teachers first.
To Infinity and Beyond
There was great excitement as the Rayner’s Lane major science project finally came to fruition last week. Guided by Head of Climate Studies and renowned meteorological authority Mr Miliband, the space mission, under the designation Brainless, took to the air.
On board was the school’s much-loved hamster Mr Marmalade – or, as he is now known, Mr Citrus Marmalade – who would go where no rodent has gone before. Expectant pupils and staff assembled in the playground to witness this momentous occasion and carry home memories of an altogether historic event.
With Head of Geography Mr Lammy leading a countdown chorus of ‘7, 5, 3, 6, 8, 4 – blast-off’ all eyes were focused on the ignition sequencers which engaged correctly and should have automatically led to the Thunberg Unicorn electric engines firing spontaneously. This is perhaps the most complex part of the operation with the rocket’s onboard computers communicating with ground control (Mr Healey).
There was undeniable frustration however when the engines failed to respond, the rocket toppled over and Mr Citrus Marmalade took the opportunity to make his escape through the Perspex cone. Commenting on this letdown, the Headmaster commented:
‘I share the disappointment that was so palpably obvious at the flop of Brainless, but we must go harder and faster with similar initiatives, and I am happy to report that the Bursar has already set aside a sum of money for an even larger undertaking which, while embryonic, has the code name Brexit Reversed. Classics scholars will of course know that the word Brexit comes from the famed battle between Borisius (The God of Fertility) and Keirus (The God of Hubris).’
Homes wanted!
Several posters have recently appeared around the school asking if anyone can take a cat into their home. Confused pupils have asked, not unnaturally, ‘What’s going on’?
We are happy to report that this activity is in fact being orchestrated by the Rayner’s Lane cook, Ms Cooper, who has taken time off from preparing her delicious signature dish of Babble and Squawk to devote herself selflessly to this philanthropic undertaking. Speaking exclusively to this newsletter, Ms Cooper explains:
‘Like many people I have been saddened to hear of the distressing “Strays of Hormuz” which is now almost a daily occurrence. I am not certain where that country is but you would have to have a heart of stone not to want to pitch in and comfort a helpless stray cat or dog. If anyone has room in their home, I would be grateful if they could reach out to me and I will co-ordinate arrangements. I am delighted to report that several of our close European educational establishments are also keen to participate in this much-needed rescue mission.’
Watch out!
While Street Crime around the school has thankfully been in a downward trajectory, largely in part to the diligent work of the mayor, Mr Khan, mobile-phone theft has seen a small spike in recent days. This upsetting wrongdoing has not restricted itself to teenagers who use their devices with scant regard to their environment, it has now been reported by adults – who by nature are perhaps a little more cautious of crime. Only last month we learned of a distressing episode involving the Headmaster’s now departed aide Mr McSweeney. While not a theft in the traditional sense, the loss of his phone was a disturbing event. Mr McSweeney comments:
‘I was happily out shopping in town when a golden eagle suddenly swooped down and with dexterity wrapped its talons around my Samsung Mandy Ultra Smartphone and soared skywards. Naturally I reported this immediately to the authorities but foolishly failed to mention my position as the Headmaster’s most trusted confidant. Frustratingly, and despite numerous cameras across town, this robbery happened away from any lens which could help identify the miscreant raptor.’
We would remind pupils to be extra vigilant when out and about.
Finally . . .
Any pupils found participating in the pandemonium surrounding social media organised group theft, ‘link-up’ and ‘steaming’ will find themselves quickly dealt with.
