FOLLOWING the deportation of illegal migrant and convicted sex offender Hadush Kebatu with a £500 bribe, TCW understands that in addition to the generous cash gift from the taxpayer he was offered the following:
Proposals of marriage from a LibDem councillor in Shropshire and a trans Green councillor in Bristol (he wisely declined);
A new iPad, the proceeds of a whip-round at the Home Office;
A Come Back Soon card signed by all members of the Cabinet;
A request from Rachel Reeves to be her property manager;
An offer of baptism from the incoming Archbishop of Canterbury, Bishop Sarah Mullally;
A £1,000 voucher for easyDinghy, the Government’s recommended people-trafficking organisation;
A one-year Sky Sports package from Comcast in return for an exclusive interview with Gary Neville;
A starring role in a Netflix docudrama, A Passage to England, about the racism endemic in the UK’s asylum system;
An offer to be a visiting professor in migration studies at Oxford University;
Several offers from advertising agencies to appear in forthcoming campaigns;
A pamphlet entitled How to claim reparations, edited by Lord Hermer;
Invitations to appear in Strictly Come Dancing, Celebrity Big Brother and Celebrity Race Across the World (surely the hot favourite);
An audition to become the next actor to play James Bond.
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