Amazon MGM Studios has bought the rights to the James Bond franchise from the Broccoli family. TCW has seen the draft for the opening scene of the next Bond blockbuster, Prime Comes as Extra.
A DOOR opens. Commander Bond (Penny Mordaunt) swaggers into an office wearing her full naval uniform. She throws her cap on to the hatstand. It lands perfectly.
Miss Moneypenny (Eddie Izzard) watches in awe: ‘Oh, 007 you do that so well! Perhaps one day you could throw me . . .’
As she sits on the edge of the secretary’s desk, Bond replies: ‘Oh Moneypenny, if only . . . but we both know it wouldn’t work.’
A buzzer sounds.
Miss Moneypenny: ‘They’s in a grumpy mood today. You’d better watch out.’
After giving Moneypenny the pink carnation she wore in her lapel, Bond enters M’s office.
M (Michelle Obama) is staring out of the window as she watches a barge move slowly up the Thames: ‘Take a seat, 007.’
M moves towards them’s desk and sits. They stares at Bond.
M: ‘We are faced with a megalomaniac the like of whom we have never seen before. This individual, who is known as “The Bez”, controls everything. He knows what you buy. He knows what you watch. He knows what you read and even what music you listen to. His cloud computers can control every device you have.’
After a long pause, M continues: ‘I need you to take him out.’
Bond raises an eyebrow: ‘You mean . . .’
M: ‘Yes! You are to ingratiate yourself with his circle of friends, his bodyguards, his hangers-on. At the appropriate moment you are to ask him out for a candle-lit dinner.’
Bond: ‘And then garrotte him?’
M: ‘No of course not, 007! You are to tell him to keep producing the vacuous mush that keeps the plebs happy. We want romcoms, stories about detectives with personal problems, movies about loners with a dog, documentaries about the climate crisis and suchlike. If we allow independent thought and an awareness of what we are doing, we are toast.’
Bond: ‘Where will I find this powerful climate crusader?’
M: ‘The Bez is currently on his $500million yacht Koru. You can start there.’
Bond immediately springs to her feet and leaves M’s office. As she collects her cap from the hatstand she winks at Moneypenny. Who swoons.
