ED Miliband has jetted off to China, the world’s biggest emitter of so-called greenhouse gases, trying to get its leaders onside with his insane Net Zero agenda. But, as this leaked transcript of his conversation with his hosts reveals, they seem to have had communication problems . . .
‘Welcome to China, Mr Ed. To start your visit, I will show you around this state-of-the-art factory, which can produce 1,000 tons of plate glass per day.’
– ‘Er, I’m a bit confused . . .’
‘But are you not here to discuss greenhouse glass? Our glass is perfect for building greenhouses so you can grow all those lovely tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers and, of course, delicious pak choi. Salad days are here for you.’
– ‘No, you misunderstand. I’m here to discuss greenhouse gas. I want you to stop churning out pollution from coal-fired power stations. Your leaders should act urgently. They must realise China can’t keep relying on that old fuel.’
‘Please don’t talk about our glorious chairman Xi Jinping in such terms. He may be old, but he’s no fool and we can rely on him.’
– ‘Look, you’ve got to be more sustainable, start recycling.’
‘But Mr Ed, look around you. Everyone in China has started the cycling – have you ever seen so many people on bikes?’
– ‘I’m telling you that China needs to act now so we can keep the increase in Earth’s temperature to below 2C, in line with the 2015 Paris Agreement.’
‘Palace Agreement? Don’t dare talk to us about palaces! In 1860, during the Opium Wars, you British looted and burned the beautiful Summer Palace here in Peking. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-30810596 We didn’t agree to that! Don’t think we have forgotten.’
– ‘Look, pollution is getting so bad we’ve reached the tipping point.’
‘Tipping point? So you insult us by offering us tips to comply with your mad agenda? Put away your filthy money! We are no longer your servants. This the language of capitalist running dog!’
– ‘You don’t understand – we want to stop emissions.’
‘What do you mean, you want to stop the missions? Are you saying you want to ban our new super-embassy in London and break off diplomatic relations? This could mean war!’
– ‘Look, can we please start this conversation again? Would it help if I ordered some greenhouse glass?’
‘You want some of our greenhouse gas? Take as much as you like, we’ve got plenty.’
