ERASMUS Demosthenes Hepplewhite, the UK’s premier crisis actor, has been kind enough to send us some extracts from the letters pages of his profession’s monthly magazine, Disaster! The Voice of the Crisis Acting Profession.
Notwithstanding the opportunities it would bring to our profession, if World War Three causes a disruption to the supply of quinoa, I am firmly opposed.
Dorothy Maltravers, Lytham St Annes
Why oh why has Bill Gates not released the new deadly virus he promised? Does he not realise that many of us do not share his wealth and have car finance and school fees to pay. I think we should be told!
Roger de Villiars, Stoke Poges
Surely it is time to recognise the contribution to our profession from the wonderful Vladimir Zelensky. He has been required to play the unfamiliar role of a president for several years. It is no surprise that he has resorted to stimulants to aid his performances and it cannot be pleasant to be obliged to wear those dreadful clothes day in day out.
Sylvia Pomfret, Harrogate
The outrageous decision of the Trump-Musk junta to defund USAID has left the dedicated staff at the Tower Hamlets Transgender Crisis Actors Collective in somewhat of a crisis. Without this income we are unable to continue our training courses for children of non-British ethnicity in the nuances of grievance simulation. The decision is clearly racist and constitutes a denial of human rights. We will shortly be opening a Crowdfunding account to enable us to continue our essential work and I am sure you will be supportive of our endeavours.
Dweeb Weberley (They/Them), Tower Hamlets
One cannot contain one’s anger that those responsible for the Oscars refuse to have categories for Best Crisis Actor/Actress. For far too long they have persisted with the same dreary awards. Such a grievous omission must not be allowed to prevail! This year’s chief winners were Adrien Brody and Mikey Madison. I have never even met these two individuals. They are almost certainly not RADA-trained and would freeze at the hint of a crisis. As dear, dear Dame Judi said to me, ‘Dear boy, life is a circus, and often the clowns are the winners.’
E D Hepplewhite Esq, Brentford
I sincerely hope there is not another letter from E.D.Hepplewhite in this month’s Disaster!. He is nothing more than a braggart and an attention-seeker. It is my belief that he has never met my friend, the lovely Dame Judi. Only last month dear, dear Dame Judi said to me, ‘My dear Benny, don’t be one of those awful people who quote what I’m supposed to have said. Do you have a pink gin by any chance?’
B. Cumberbatch, Notting Hill
Instead of waiting for the WEF, the WHO or the government, perhaps we could band together to invent a crisis or two. My idea is to start a panic about killer ants but I am happy to consider other suggestions. Who is with me?
Z. Apogee, Barnoldswick
What I fail to understand is why the government does not have a Department for Crises. If it can nationalise the trains so why not the crisis profession? I would happily become a civil servant and be on hand to perform in whatever crisis the government wants. Truth to tell, I think it makes a lot of sense.
E. Jones, Pontypridd
