TCW’s Foreign Affairs correspondent offers his insight into the likely developments in international affairs in the spring. He believes that following his achievements in Venezuela, Iran and Cuba, President Trump will turn his attention to Canada.
May 1
Through a Press Statement, the President makes a historic announcement: ‘For far too long the great State of Alaska has been isolated from its homeland. It has been hemmed in by a primitive people who believe that maple syrup is a delicacy and who entertain themselves by hugging trees. The beautiful people of our largest State cannot rely on the goodwill of an alien nation to be allowed to drive their Recreational Vehicles (RVs) to other parts of our great nation. Their access to winter vacations in the Sunshine State of Florida, a wonderful State I know so well, should not be dependent on the whims of another country.
‘The President has today announced that the Canadian Province known as British Columbia will now become the 51st State of the United States of America. God bless America.’
May 2
At a coffee shop in Ottawa, the Canadian Prime Minister, Mark Carney, puts down his soy milk latte to say that he is ‘monitoring the situation’.
May 3
After finally becoming aware of the land grab, British Columbians rouse themselves to protest. In Victoria a knitting circle produces scarves saying ‘Hands off B.C.’. The good ladies of Kamloops bake brownies embossed with a maple leaf and a sponge cake with icing that reads ‘Down with Trump’. Several people demonstrate in Vancouver.
May 4
The British Government springs into action. David Lammy leaves lunch early to discuss matters with the Prime Minister. Downing Street releases a statement saying that the Government ‘is very peeved’. HMS Dragon is recalled from the Mediterranean to hover somewhere off the west coast of Ireland. A spokesman for King Charles says ‘he is upset’.
The French Government, concerned about the fate of the Québécois, despatches an emergency supply of white flags.
May 5
British Columbia is renamed ‘Trump’. Convoys of RVs make ceremonial entrances to the new State from Washington and Alaska. They meet at the town of Prince Rupert (now renamed ‘Melania’) where they celebrate with a BBQ, by shooting some bears and singing John Denver songs.
May 6
President Trump tells a Press Conference that he is ‘mulling over’ taking control of the other Canadian Provinces and Territories but needs time to find appropriate names ‘in the eventuality’.
May 7
President Trump declares that the rest of Canada is now part of the United States.
May 8
Greenland sends a fax to Secretary of Defense, Pete Hegseth, stating its willingness to surrender. The Danish Prime Minister, Mette Frederiksen, (should she still be in power) retaliates by ordering the closure of all McDonald’s and KFC branches in her country and banning the export of pastries to the USA. The European Union expresses its disapproval.
May 9
China invades Taiwan.
