RIDICULOUS claims that some nursery rhymes are ‘ageist’, promoting negative views of old people, continue to test our patience.
Now Kirsty Ketley, a ‘parenting specialist’ from Surrey, has reinforced the woke nonsense, saying that modern versions should be introduced that reflect ageing more positively.
It follows a study by researchers in Singapore that claimed rhymes such as Old Mother Hubbard portray elderly folk as forgetful and frail, while The Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly depicts a pensioner losing her mental faculties. Meanwhile, The Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe reveals a neglectful and abusive parent.
Ms Ketley said: ‘We absolutely should challenge stereotypes about ageing. Children do build their understanding of the world from these tiny repeated narratives. If old always equals useless or confused, then that’s going to shape their perception. So would it not make sense to bring in more modern rhymes that reflect ageing – and the modern world in general – a bit more positively? And just keep the more traditional ones as part of cultural history lessons?’
Well, as you’ve probably gathered, I think all this ageist stuff is claptrap. But, ever ready to advance the cause of progressive education, I’d like to offer a selection of updated nursery rhymes that reflect the modern world . . .
Georgie Porgy
Georgie Porgy ate pudding and pie
Made him gross of belly and thigh
Then for fat jabs he did pay
And the pounds just fell away.
But when the slim effect was gone
He couldn’t get his trousers on.
Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
Up Jack got and home did trot
As fast as he could caper;
Phoned a compensation lawyer
And sold his story to the paper.
Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Row, row, row your boat
Carefully down the stream
The water firm’s discharged raw sewage
Look out – poo abeam!
Old MacDonald
Old MacDonald owned Big Pharma, E-I-E-I-O
And with that pharma he had a cash cow, E-I-E-I-O
With a moolah-moolah here and a moolah-moolah there
Here a moolah, there a moolah, everywhere a moolah-moolah
Old MacDonald owned Big Pharma, E-I-E-I-O.
Little Bo Peep
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And doesn’t know where to find them;
Leave them alone and they will come home,
Their satellite trackers behind them.
One, two, three, four, five
One, two, three, four, five
Once I caught a fish alive
Six, seven, eight, nine, ten
Then I let it go again
Why did you let it go?
Because the EU
Restricts our quotas so.
The Grand Old Duke of York
Oh, the banned old Duke of York
With Epstein shared a den
Then Charles put paid to his wicked ways
With one stroke of the pen.
Ring-a-Ring o’Roses
Ring-a-ring o’roses
Another round of covid
Jabs issued, jabs issued
We’re all locked down.
London Bridge is Falling Down
London Bridge is falling down
Falling down, falling down
Sadiq Khan is such a clown
Mighty shady.
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star
Twinkle, twinkle, that’s no star
The climate nutters have gone too far
Up above the world so high
They’ve sprayed silver iodide in the sky.
The Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly
I know an old lady who swallowed a fly,
I don’t know why she swallowed a fly
But with the state of the NHS she’ll probably die.
Dan, Dan, the Dirty Old Man
Dan, Dan, the dirty old man
Washed his face in the frying pan
Combed his hair with the leg of the chair
Because his social worker was never there.
The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
She had so many children she didn’t know what to do
Then a fortune fell into her lap
When they scrapped the two-child benefit cap.
