TCW has once again heard from the UK’s leading crisis actor, Erasmus Demosthenes Hepplewhite. He tells us of a recent interview with BBC News concerning the conflict in the Ukraine.
I regret to report that the past couple of months have been rather disappointing pour moi. Despite my ascendence to the pinnacle of the crisis acting profession, calls for my unique talents have been few and far between.
I had great hopes that monkeypox would prove to be the devastating successor to Covid-19 but it has proved to be merely the dampest of squibs. Similarly, Ebola and other more exotic maladies have bubbled under the surface but are yet to make the promised terrifying breakthrough, whilst bird flu has proven to be nothing more than a dead duck.
Consequently, I have spent more time than I would have liked delivering sustenance to the young men from East Africa who hold sway in the four-star hotels of Brentford, Chiswick and Gunnersbury.
In these straitened times it is, therefore, necessary for one to accept roles that one would normally dismiss. Such an opportunity occurred last week. I was asked by my agent, Irene, to pose as a sturdy English patriot and rendezvous outside Barons Court tube station with a young lady from BBC News.
My role was to express my complete support for the flower of the UK’s youth to engage in a bloodthirsty conflict with the Russian bear. I was to add that Sir Keir was doing a marvellous job and that Trump, in his desire for peace, had lost his tiny mind. For my role I adopted the mien of someone who might well have been a stalwart of Esher Tennis Club.
The interview went remarkably well but I fear I may have overcooked the theme somewhat by reprising my bravura performance as Henry V at the Princess Theatre Hunstanton in 1998. It may not have been a good idea to recite the entirety of his famous speech at Harfleur…
‘ . . . but when the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the actions of the tiger, stiffen the sinews . . .’ etc.
Perhaps wisely the BBC omitted that part of the interview.
Nevertheless, it seems that my call to arms was met with universal acclaim and I was told that the interview was then given top billing on the website of an organisation called the Azov Brigade. These chaps have rewarded me with honorary membership and invited me to join them any time at their camp on the outskirts of Kharkiv. I shall consider taking up their kind offer when the weather improves and I look forward to participating in their jolly exercises and campfire songs.
Life does then have its compensations. As dear, dear Dame Judi, said to me when she came to RADA to present the Roger Moore Award for Winking, a prize for which I was unaccountably the runner-up, ‘Dear boy, I have found that it is better to be winked at than to wink. Now be a darling and see if you can find me a Lumumba and a packet of Maltesers.’
As ever my message to you is that when you are inclined to feel down in the dumps an unexpected opportunity is invariably lurking around the next corner. Despite facing the raging torrents of cruel fortune and the attendant innumerable setbacks, Erasmus Demosthenes Hepplewhite will always pick himself up and dust himself down to be at the forefront of whatever disaster is hurled in the nation’s path.
