THERE was consternation in the echo chamber of the Canterbury Club, London W1, where a gathering of Church of England archbishops, bishops and archdeacons, a handful of Methodist, Pentecostal and Baptist mega-preachers, half a dozen of London’s better-funded imams, and two or three cabinet ministers, lord mayors and billionaire CEOs of certain unnamed charities, had been hastily convened.
‘Is it true? Is it possible in England?’ went the shocked whispers over the post-prandial triple brandies and Shirley Temples.
Yes, it was true, undeniable, and actually happening in England. That unspeakable bounder Tommy Robinson had done it again!
‘He wants to put Christ back into Christmas.’
One of the bishops was openly sobbing while her wife did her best to console her. Most of the assembled dignitaries were equally openly seething with anger.
‘After all our tireless efforts,’ said the recently ordained Archbishop of Wessex, spokesperson, ‘after our unstinting co-operation with Mayor Khan and with other right-minded, left-voting lovers of Prophet Jesus, after all our work to install Ramadan, Halloween and the writings of Anton LaVey and Annie Besant into the heart of London and other such cities dedicated to Human Self-Realisation, these right-wing rotters are launching a Christian revival!’
‘They’re reversing fifty years of the dedicated efforts of our Anglican hierarchy to eradicate Christ from of England,’ shouted one of the archdeacons, who had been hoping to make it to bishop soon. ‘It could end our careers!’
Assorted belches and curses arose from the banquet table as the church dignitaries and their supporters took in the appalling implications.
‘If this movement goes ahead, we could have a mass conversion of England to the worship of Jesus Christ,’ said the Bishop of Botherham, also near to tears. ‘It could even lead to a genuine rape gang inquiry!’
‘I don’t know if the four members of my congregation could live through it,’ sighed the vicar of Little Wittering, who had been invited as the husband of trenchant BBC spokesperson Robert Backloader.
‘No, it must never happen in England! The people would never stand for it,’ said a CEO whose firm supplies five-star hotel accommodation for Irregular New Residents.
‘Well, I’m here to tell you it bloody well is happening,’ said the Archbishop of Wessex, ‘and the question is what we’re going to do about it! We need some workable ideas here.’
Silence reigned.
One person was looking around the clubroom, apparently very puzzled. This was the Bishop of Ardor-Robabu, who had been invited to stay with one of the English archbishops for the Winter Festive Season. He had been delighted to accept, proud to be in the Motherland of Anglicanism.
Timidly, he stood up and spoke to all the important men and women around him. ‘But I thought Christ always was in Christmas. And I thought we as the Anglican Church wanted a revival of Christianity in England, Canada, America and everywhere. Christians in my part of Africa are being tortured and killed for their love of Jesus Christ.’
‘Shut up, Obubu,’ said a couple of voices. ‘You’re supposed to be on our side,’ said several others.
‘No!’ said Wessex. ‘He’s on to something. That’s our way to go!’
The good archbishop was looking happy for the first time that evening. It was not just the drinks. In fact, he was now positively excited.
‘We use that slogan to neutralise and cancel the bloody Robinson pest! It’s a damn good gambit, almost as good as bundling the rotter back into Wormwood Scrubs or Dartmoor or wherever and throwing away the key. We can use it as our mantra! How does it go? ‘Christ has always been in Christmas’. That’ll be our answer to the bunch of oiks, Wetherspoons knuckle-draggers, Brexit bums and Reform voters that Robinson and his ilk always manage to pick up from the gutters.’
‘I’m on to it, boss,’ said the billionaire in charge of the C of E’s publicity and propaganda. ‘I suppose you want me also to throw in the usual garbage about Inclusivity and Equality of Religion and welcoming people from all walks yadda yadda. How about “Outsiders Welcome”?’
‘Hey, you know your job, Bertie. The hell else we overpay you bunch of word-monkeys?’ The Archbishop of Wessex turned again to his audience. ‘Yes, Ladies, Gentlemen and Others, I think I can safely say that this campaign will do wonders for our Church’s Mission Statement of keeping Jesus Christ well and truly out of Christmas and everywhere else!’
‘Allahu Akbar!’* arose from the banquet table as the drinks continued to flow and a joyful Christmas spirit returned to the august assembly.
*Translation from Arabic:
English: ‘Cheers, mate’
American English: ‘Make America Great Again’
Canadian English: ‘Get those hosers out of here’
