A NEW deputy headmistress, a new winter menu, discipline disorder and first-aid issues . . . it’s been a hectic few weeks at Rayner’s Lane – the school that puts pride in everything it does.
Welcome back!
Since the recent unexpected departure of Ms Rayner, the school has been somewhat rudderless and there was a feeling that a firm female hand was once more required on the tiller.
Thankfully we are delighted to report that Ms Powell, a long-standing ally of the Headmaster, has been chosen to act as his deputy, thereby ending an upsetting interregnum. In keeping with tradition, her appointment was hailed by the school orchestra’s wind ensemble serenading her arrival with dog whistles.
Assuming her important role immediately, she will assist the Headmaster in a variety of ways, not least deputising when he is absent on one of his many overseas educational trips. Popular and well respected, she is perhaps best remembered for her sterling work in reorganising the school’s stationery department and working behind the scenes to get hot chocolate added to the drinks vending machine menu. Welcome, Lucy, and good luck!
Tuck in!
Regarding food, it was typical of Mr Starmer to take time out from his hectic schedule to arrange what he has referred to as a ‘coalition of the filling’. Concerned that there was scant progress on finalising the canteen’s winter menu, he busied himself with nutritionists and dieticians from the borough in deciding what should be on offer during the colder months.
While tripe has been regularly served, there have been grumbles that it is neither wholesome nor healthy and that it is something that a go-ahead comprehensive should wean itself off.
After lengthy deliberations it was felt that the following dishes would be served:
Toad in the black hole
Recession Risotto
Stuffed oldies marrow
Rocky Road Ice Cream
For vegetarians we have sourced a large quantity of Caerphilly hard cheese.
Watch your step!
Discipline has very much been a feature of Rayner’s Lane, exemplified by the proliferation of facial recognition cameras – a thoughtful gift from our long-standing partner academy in Beijing.
Mr Starmer bows to no one in his determination to crack down on misinformation, dissent and problematic postings on social media that reflect negatively on staff and policies.
Pupils found to have breached acceptable boundaries will rightly find themselves punished for their transgressions. Expulsions and detentions are two courses of action open to us; thankfully these are rarely required.
However, there have been two recent misdemeanours that warranted such draconian sanctions, resulting unfortunately in a degree of embarrassment. Sadly, both instances involve overseas pupils.
In the first case, a student who we shall simply refer to as Boy X, who recently joined the school from Iran, was found not to be in possession of the correct form of digital ID that Rayner’s Lane requires, and it was decided to expel him. It was therefore somewhat galling to discover that said individual had surreptitiously sneaked back into the school using the well-advertised ‘euro-student dinghy travel card’. Mr Starmer has been quick to reassure parents that this was a ‘one-off’ lapse in our otherwise fortress-like enrolment procedure.
Equally regrettable was the news that Ethiopian student Kebatu, H, who should have been in detention last week, was mistakenly allowed to leave the Rayner’s Lane premises without permission. Having joined the school last year, he made a poor start by not familiarising himself entirely with our ‘school rules’ – a failure which led to an unfortunate misunderstanding with members of the opposite sex.
Mr Starmer comments:
‘This was totally unacceptable, and we are doing everything in our power to locate this miscreant and return him to our state-of-the-art detention centre in Not Fit For Purpose Lane. I would ask that anyone with any knowledge of his whereabouts contact either myself or Ms Powell, who will act immediately.’
STOP PRESS: Following exhaustive work by both staff and prefects we have now apprehended Kebatu, H and returned him to our detention facility. There is some misguided chatter going around that he had tried to re-enter our correctional resource on five occasions. Clearly such a scenario would be patently absurd. The Headmaster helpfully reminds us that people individuals caught perpetuating this falsehood will be dealt with promptly.
An apple a day!
Would all pupils note that despite a recent and costly upgrade, the first-aid room will shortly be closing for a week. We apologise for any inconvenience that this may cause. Mr Streeting advises: ‘If any pupil is suffering from a life-threatening emergency, they should dial 999.’
Old Jokes’ Home
Thank you to Mr Miliband, Head of Climate Studies, for this rib-tickler.
Q: Where would you find 100,000 Amazonian trees cut down?
A: At a conference to save the planet!
Lastly, would pupils please give some space to Ms Phillips, who has done valuable work in her role of safeguarding pupils. She has recently been under a great deal of stress and is in need of a long break.
