UNSURPRISINGLY, a successful and well-managed school such as Rayner’s Lane receives more applications from prospective overseas pupils than we can accommodate. While every endeavour is undertaken to manage this demand, it has required some ‘outside of the box’ thinking to enable more individuals to benefit from our admired curriculum.
One way of achieving this has been the ‘correspondence course’ option, of which many foreign students have taken advantage. This fruitful route has helped countless aspiring doctors and engineers in their career choice. It is a matter of huge regret that the vigorous and comprehensive vetting system that we have in place, prior to students being accepted, has regrettably failed.
Those familiar with this scheme will attest to the detailed and demanding A7-sized questionnaire that must be completed prior to any application being considered. This document includes a question created with psychologists’ help that is intended to weed out unsuitable candidates. It asks:
Have you ever posted something on social media that might be taken out of context at a later date, or anything that some individuals might take to be offensive?
Please place ‘x’ by the relevant answer.
- Absolutely not
- Never
- You’re having a laugh
This fiendishly clever interrogation has served us well and has highlighted those for whom Rayner’s Lane would be well advised to avoid. Successful contenders may enter our annual lottery in the hope of winning one of our coveted 50,000 assisted places.
Sadly, like most things in life, nothing is perfect, and it was with huge regret that the Headmaster recently discovered that one aspirant long-distance learner managed to ‘game’ the system and received the school’s ‘greetings pack’ including an effusive message of welcome from Mr Starmer himself.
Young Alaa Abd El-Fattah, who had made great progress in the relatively new discipline of ‘inflammatory and divisive rhetoric’ while a pupil at Sisi’s School of Correction in Cairo, sent his completed paperwork to Rayner’s Lane some time ago, and after exhaustive scrutiny by our Head Cook, Ms Cooper, it was decided to offer him a place, believing that his talents could be exploited to the school’s advantage.
It has now come to light that in fact there were several irregularities on his form that were unaccountably missed by those charged with overseeing these submissions.
As one would expect from someone who sets great store by probity, the Headmaster was quick to initiate a rapid and comprehensive review to discover who, if anyone, was culpable for this gross dereliction of duty. A full and fast-tracked report should be available at the start of 2028.
We hope that this action will allay any fears that in some way Rayner’s Lane has a lax approach to new recruits and would like to reassure parents that nothing could be further from the truth.
What does that mean?
On a happier note, we are always on the lookout for new words and phrases that enrich life at the school. A number have recently made their way into the Academy’s daily argot, and while some might be unfamiliar, we are grateful to Mr Lammy, head of English, for providing the following aide memoire.
- Unaware
Heard mainly from senior staff, this portmanteau adjective has several meanings but can be used in place of giving no heed; thoughtless; inattentive.
As an example, it would be acceptable to use this word in the context of someone discovering that a lauded individual had posted unpleasant and inappropriate messages on social media.
Alternatively, if a prominent public figure was found to have written a gushing note to a convicted felon suggesting a friendship that was later deemed unsuitable, it is recommended that one uses the following exculpatory declamation to successfully ward off criticism. ‘I was unaware of these posts at the time’.
The Headmaster himself has occasionally uttered the word unaware, most recently regarding Ms Rayner’s domestic arrangements, the Bursar’s work experience, Mr Reynolds’s CV, Ms Siddiq’s family connections and Ms Ali’s property activities, so it is now in regular usage.
- Information failures
Often used in conjunction with the above word, this expression identifies faults within organisations and bodies who have responsibility for overseeing pronouncements and verdicts in areas that are of import to the school itself or the wider world. Thankfully, this concerning phrase is rarely heard at Rayner’s Lane.
Next week’s words: Public Inquiry, Reset, Ministerial Code, Toxic Masculinity and Full support.
Finally
A light-hearted brain-teaser from Jess Phillips, the ever-popular head of Women’s Welfare.
Q: What do you call a parody when the actors are unaware it’s satire?
A: Politics.
