TEETHING troubles with school discipline and an excellent start for the new Deputy Head – it’s been a busy time at Rayner’s Lane, the school that puts the ‘earn’ in ‘learning’.
Perfect Powell
Ms Powell, the newly elected Deputy Head, has lost no time in getting her feet firmly under the table and making her presence felt in all areas. There was general agreement that her abilities were clearly demonstrated in organising a repair of the faulty cord on the venetian blind in the staff-room. If that one pressing issue was not enough, in the same week she arranged for a plumber to fix the dripping tap located behind the drinking fountain. A perfect start, Ms Powell, please continue with your good work!
Lamentable Lammy
It is always disappointing when one’s faith in someone turns out to be misplaced – more so when that faith is placed by no less a person than the Headmaster. Mr Lammy, or ‘Bungle’ as he is affectionately known by one and all, was a rather volatile and somewhat lacklustre Head of Geography, who after a recent 30-second phone call with Mr Starmer realised that his flair would be better deployed in the role of Head of Discipline. A simple job, with perhaps the briefest of job descriptions, it was hoped to be well within his admittedly somewhat limited faculties.
We are therefore saddened to report that far from emulating Ms Powell, Mr Lammy has made what one fellow staff member referred to ‘as a complete Horlicks’ of his new employment.
Charitably, one would like to think that pressure of work resulted in one almighty cock-up in the detention facility last week, but let’s be honest, Head of Discipline is something of a sinecure.
Instances of boys being let off detention early and expelled pupils returning to lessons are nothing short of a disgrace and for all Mr Lammy’s angry remonstrations when challenged, it cannot disguise the fact that he is now ‘under review’.
Forget me not
Ms Nandy, our effervescent Head of Media Studies, has found herself facing parental criticism regarding a simple and completely understandable lapse of memory. Prior to joining Rayner’s Lane, she received a discreet bursary from a respected local football official, Mr Kogan.
Quite naturally when a vacancy arose in the school’s soccer refereeing squad Ms Nandy suggested that Mr Kogan would be an eminently qualified individual to carry the whistle, a recommendation Mr Starmer was happy to accede to.
Anyone who sees this appointment as inappropriate, or in some way dubious, clearly has too much time on their hands. Ms Nandy has made clear that this was simply a lapse of memory like those of Ms Rayner, Ms Reeves, Mr Reynolds, Ms Ali and Ms Siddiq. As Mr Starmer reminds staff: ‘Please remember that you represent the school at all times and all that entails.’
RIO!!
No, we’re not slipping back into Duran Duran and 1980s school disco music – we’re talking about another gruelling overseas visit that our Headmaster has bravely undertaken to save both mankind and Planet Earth. To many financially strapped parents, and given the well-documented problems Rayner’s Lane faces, this trip might seem totally inconsequential, incomprehensible, a vanity project, irrelevant, a boondoggle, a colossal wate of money, a dereliction of duty, a farce beyond parody, scientifically unjustified, trivial, stupid, vacuous and nonsensical.
Happily, those professing such outmoded, bigoted right-wing views are in the minority, and the vast majority recognise and appreciate the importance of the Headmaster’s attendance and his unwavering commitment to such a noble cause.
It was a particular treat to see Mr Starmer and the recently recovered Head of Climate Studies, Mr Miliband, taking a moment out from an exhaustive conference schedule: our very own Ray Allen and Lord Charles!
For older former pupils, who like Ms Nandy might have memory lapses, we are happy to remind them of Duran Duran’s 1982 foot-tapping classic:
His name is Keir and he dances across the land
Just like a lawyer twisting through the dusty sand
And when he whines, he really knows it’s all a sham
Oh Keir Keir stamp across this once great Land
New words corner
Vibe coding: Several fuddy-duddy teachers who are not up to speed on popular colloquialisms have asked what vibe coding means. Some believe it refers to an emerging software development process that turns natural language into computer code using AI. This is a popular misconception, and we offer an example of how to correctly insert this interesting two-word expression into everyday usage:
‘I am getting real bad vibe codings about Reeves.’
This means that the person uttering these words has some (no doubt unfounded) qualms about the Bursar’s fiscal abilities to plug the school’s fabled black hole.
