WHILE it is true that many of the borough’s educational establishments have ‘reached out’ to their European counterparts, few have made the same impact as our Headmaster, Mr Starmer. Punctilious, some might say bordering on obsessive, he has spent a large amount of time to foster cordial relationships with fellow admired overseas scholastic principals such as M Macron of the Paris-based Élysée Lunettes de Soleil.
Where individuals, such as the now practically forgotten Mrs May at the BoJo Academy, failed to establish fruitful connections with friendly, conciliatory and like-minded foreign teachers, Mr Starmer has acquitted himself with distinction, nurturing a warm and beneficial rapport with colleagues such as Herr Merz and Ms Meloni.
But displaying his trademark intellect and desire for betterment at Rayner’s Lane, the Headmaster has gone much farther by establishing a cordial bond with Mr Xi Jinping, who has an enviable disciplinary record at the Beijing Correctional Institute. Rayner’s Lane has quickly reaped the benefits of this convivial affiliation by way of a request to construct a small ‘learning hub’ on the vacant plot of land by the Headmaster’s study.
Keen to cement a burgeoning and, as he puts it, a ‘more sophisticated’ bond, Mr Starmer acceded to this innocuous demand, suggesting that it would be helpful to receive a rough sketch of the proposed building prior to commencement of construction. No sooner had the telephone receiver been replaced than one of Mr Jinping’s underlings presented himself at the Headmaster’s door with a complete set of architectural blueprints on a 1/8 scale.
Aside from the obvious doors and windows, it included walls, stairs and a complete mechanical, electrical and plumbing drawing. Due to a little confusion in translation, what was supposedly a modest structure has been reimagined as a somewhat imposing and sizeable building that will dwarf Rayner’s Lane itself.
Pupils and parents interested in what will be housed within this eye-catching construction are invited to come and view the blueprints on display in the gymnasium. Most are self-explanatory, with a few new-fangled terms such as listening office, cyber warfare room, snooping gallery and phone bugging chamber alongside the more familiar ones such as detention centre and tuck shop.
Anecdotally we have heard that some parents are worried about potential issues regarding pupils being watched or listened to from this hub. Such concerns are totally unfounded, but the school’s cook Ms Cooper, who is something of an expert in this area, has helpfully supplied the following aide memoire.
To be assured of total privacy and anonymity, please adopt two or more of the following protocols:
Wear sunglasses (as Mr Macron does)
Wear wellington boots at all times
Wear a hat (tin foil recommended)
Use an umbrella
Building will commence shortly and we ask that everyone gets behind this exciting and dynamic development and familiarise themselves with the greeting ‘nǐ hǎo’ which is ‘hello’ in Mandarin Chinese. The Headmaster will provide regular updates on progress, and a little bird tells us that he might well be invited to the ribbon-cutting ceremony!
King of the North
Fans of Game of Thrones might be conversant with this expression, but it is also an idiom for our long-departed teacher Mr Burnham, whose tenure of the school’s medical room was less than stellar. After vacating his role (before he was forcibly removed), he re-surfaced in a local council capacity where his manifest faults have somehow slipped below the radar.
Quite why his name has been bandied around in the staff common room is something of a mystery – all more so given the astounding job Mr Starmer is doing. We can only surmise that some underperforming individuals, inspired by spite and loathing, are trying to disrupt school life by suggesting, quite ridiculously, that Mr Burnham is some kind of ‘Prince over the water’. We would ask that any pupils overhearing such gossip report it immediately to the Headmaster via www.youaretoast.co.uk
Old jokes’ home
Thank you, Headmaster, for this topical witticism:
Three Chinese guys, Bu, Chu and Fu, friends since childhood, moved to US for work.
Their names being Chinese, they weren’t getting shortlisted for interviews.
A guy suggested that they Americanise their names. They asked how.
He suggested adding something to their existing names so that they end with ‘ck’.
So Bu became Buck.
Chu became Chuck.
And Fu went back to China.
