READERS of a certain vintage may recall a London Weekend Television sitcom called Mind Your Language which aired between 1977 and 1986. Written by Vince Powell, the show was set in an adult education college in London and focused on the class in ESL (English as a Second Language) taught by Mr Jeremy Brown (Barry Evans) who was tasked with educating a diverse classroom of students from different social backgrounds, religions and languages.
It was, as they say, ‘of its time’, in the carefree days before everyone was racist and sexist and we could find inoffensive humour in national characteristics. Today, mindful of giving offence and the minefield of cultural sensitivities that need tiptoeing through, such a suggestion for entertainment would not get off the drawing board.
But what, dear reader, would such a classroom look like nowadays? No stranger to dreary lectures, punishment and rules, how would our Prime Minister fare if tasked with teaching such a disparate group of learners?
Sir Keir: ‘Good morning, one and all. I hope you have managed to complete the homework I set last week. I asked for examples of either a noun in a sentence, alliteration, an instance of an oxymoron or for those more advanced amongst you – a simple limerick. Who would like to kick things off’?
Xi Xinping, the industrious Chinese learner, stands up and announces that he would like to give an example of a noun in a sentence.
‘Net Zero is clap’, he states. Sir Keir thanks him for his contribution but gently corrects him by stating that ‘clap’ is in fact a verb. To illustrate this point Sir Keir slaps his palms together and recites, ‘I clap. You clap, we clap, they clap’.
An agitated Xi stands again and shouts: ‘Why you no listen? Net Zero is clap.’ He then spells out C-R-A-P.
‘Oh, I see’ says Sir Keir. ‘Thank you for that contribution, but while grammatically correct it is factually incorrect’.
Not to be silenced, Xi carries on as his classmates look on in disbelief.
‘No, you wrong Mr Keir, in China we dig lots coal, keep industry going, make things for world, make money, keep old people warm. You in England want cold oldies, make no sense.’
An irritated Sir Keir asks him to sit down, and requests contributions from those who can demonstrate an oxymoron.
Giorgia, the blonde Italian head-turner, stands shyly. Emmanuel, the diminutive and lecherous French pupil, wolf-whistles. To cries of ‘Shut up Napoleon’, he holds his hands up.
‘Would these examples be oxymorons: Stop the boats, Smash the gangs, Fixing the foundations’?
Sir Keir thanks her but clarifies that these, although closely resembling oxymorons, are ‘simply lies’.
Olaf, the thick-set Teutonic apprentice from Berlin, puts his hand up and asks if the class would like to hear his limerick.
There was an old Marxist called Ed
Who wasn’t quite right in the head
He aspired to be a hero
By reaching Net Zero
But killed his country stone dead!
Donny, the popular American exchange student, rises to his feet clapping.
‘That’s beautiful, really beautiful, great, great limerick Olaf, fabulous and moving, you are truly a wonderful wonderful person. I too have a limerick.
There was an old man called Joe
Who resembled a senile so and so
He didn’t think twice
In making Kamala his Vice
But in the end, they both had to go!’
As the class is about to be dismissed, Emmanuel thrusts his hand skyward: ‘Who wants to hear my alliteration?’
Sir Keir smiles indulgently. ‘Go on, Manny, let’s hear it’.
‘Ridiculous Rachel Reeves requires rapid removal,’ he smiles triumphantly.
‘That’s perfect, Manny – well done!’
The bell rings signalling the end of class. As the happy scholars file out, Sir Keir calls out: ‘Don’t forget homework for next week – use the word Bandwagon in a non-contentious phrase.’
