FOLLOWING Donald Trump’s rapprochement with President Putin and his desire to end the war in Ukraine it has fallen to the UK to be the cheerleader for the continuation of the pointless slaughter of hapless young men from Eastern Europe.
To ensure that the conflict continues, a crack team has been assembled. It is to be led by Field Marshal Boris ‘Bunter’ Johnson. ‘Bunter’, also known as ‘Bomber’, is to be the leader of the Bunter Expeditionary Force, the BEF. Johnson already has a distinguished war record having dashed to Istanbul in 2022 to scupper a deal between the warring factions that would have saved tens of thousands of lives.
It is said that on the back of his exploits there are fears that the porky pugnacious pugilist may attempt to return to the forefront of British politics.
Other key players in the Expeditionary Force include . . .
Starmer’s Secret Service: When one sees or hears the word ‘Starmer’, one immediately thinks of deceit, lies, obfuscation, surveillance etc. The Starmer SS has a vital role to play in the BEF which is to ensure the public are fed nonsense about Russian intentions. The SSS will also root out and imprison British citizens who disapprove of government policies or say ‘hurtful’ words about members of the Labour Party.
Lammy’s Catering Corps: Napoleon is reported to have said, ‘an army marches on its stomach’. Who better then to provide sustenance for ‘Bunter’ and his merry band than the man who knows a thing or two about fine dining? In four months since Lammy became Foreign Secretary his department spent £521,525 in restaurants and bars. A possible downside to this extravagance could be getting the BEF fit for the fray.
Davey’s Irregulars: Every modern army needs some SAS types who think outside the box to cause havoc behind enemy lines. Fortunately, the ‘snivelling cretin’, Ed Davey, has volunteered to lead a band of intrepid LibDems to do just that. His plans are strictly ‘hush-hush’ but are rumoured to include windsurfing from Finland to attack St Petersburg, zip-wiring through Belarus to terrify the residents of Smolensk, and hang-gliding from Latvia to kidnap Putin in Moscow.
Tice’s Terriers: As a leader of one of the organisations supposedly established to put the interests of the UK first, it is something of a surprise to find that Richard Tice is eager to send his Territorials to face the Russian guns. His enthusiasm for the BEF has led many to question whether Tice is in fact a ‘third columnist’ and part of the Uniparty establishment.
McDonald’s Red Army: It is somewhat ironic that the firebrand ex-‘Corbynista’ MP John McDonald is a strong advocate for confrontation with Russia. Perhaps it is a yearning for the country to return to the glory days of communism, when Moscow was a beacon of hope for the deranged.
The KemiKorps: Not wishing to miss the show and inspired by the impressive tactics of Rommel’s Afrika Korps in World War Two, the Tory leader hopes to boost the flagging fortunes of her once-great party by forming a fighting force of young men from her ancestral home, West Africa. Because of her party’s immigration policies there are tens of thousands of Nigerians, Ghanaians etc in the UK who are available to volunteer.
