THE Government have announced that they will expedite the introduction of Artificial Intelligence for use by ministerial departments. They believe that AI will enable service to be delivered in a more beneficial way to society.
The Cabinet Office has given examples of what those benefits might be . . .
Online Safety
Using its predictive programming capabilities, AI will allow the police to arrest and charge those on the ‘far right’ whom it decides are likely to write comments on social media critical of Islam and excessive immigration. The detentions will occur before they have written any comments. The software will assess the time and date in the future when it believes the offence would be committed. Those arrested will be unaware that they were intending to write hateful comments.
NHS
Those waiting for hip/knee replacements will be informed that their rescheduled appointment has been cancelled before they are notified that their first operation has been cancelled. This will reassure patients that the NHS cancellation service is operating in a way that is second to none and the envy of the world. In compensation, those affected will be sent an AI image of themselves looking 30 years younger and jumping over a wall.
Driving
Through DNA collected from Ancestry and covid PCR swabs, and working in collaboration with our surveillance partner Palantir, individuals will be able to discover the exact year, month and day when they will be banned from driving as a result of dementia, heart problems or poor eyesight. People who drive after their ban will find their vehicles disabled by a drone.
Demography
Using sophisticated AI algorithms it will be possible for the Home Office to inform British citizens of the exact dates when they will become an ethnic minority in their town or village. It will give information about the origin of their new neighbours and dates for the construction of mosques and temples. It will also divulge the date of the first Muslim-dominated Parliament.
Defence
Through AI’s ability to predict the next pointless war that the US and Nato decide to pursue, the Ministry of Defence will have ample time to prepare its last serviceable warship, the minesweeper HMS Fearful. As a result of mechanical and staffing problems the ship will not be able to venture further than the Scilly Isles, and will not be available at weekends.
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