SOME referred to it as the changing of the guard, others simply said it was a long-overdue correction. What cannot be denied was the solemn mood as Mr Starmer addressed teaching staff, pupils and parents at a hastily convened meeting about his plans going forward.
The Headmaster started by referencing the many positive changes he had single-handedly engineered at Rayner’s Lane. After a seemingly never-ending ten seconds he turned to a delicate discussion he recently instigated with the Governors when he posed the thorny question: ‘Am I a dead duck and colossal liability?’ As one of the board told us confidentially, the answer was a resounding: ‘Yes, with knobs on’.
Faced with this lack of confidence and a brewing rebellion from the teaching staff, Mr Starmer concluded that it was time for him to stand aside for a charismatic, younger and more popular individual in the shape of Mr Burnham – a teacher no stranger to the school, having some years ago made a name for himself successfully leading the 3rd form outward bound group north by north, latterly, the only way is north.
However, before vacating the podium there was a sad moment when, clearly overcome with the emotion of the occasion, the Headmaster revealed a far softer side as he struggled with tears. The solemnity was marred by some, as yet unidentified idiot, calling out ‘next, please’.
Whilst Mr Starmer will be missed by the few and not the many, the baton has been passed to a uniquely talented educationalist, who will in short order revolutionise the fortunes of Rayner’s Lane and chart a far more successful trajectory.
Parents as yet unfamiliar with the soon-to-be-Headmaster might appreciate a few fun facts about him.
Onomasticians agree that his surname derives from the old Norse words Burn – meaning useless/incompetent and Ham – meaning tool.
His middle name is Janus.
He has a pet chameleon called Stafford.
His favourite films are Love on the Dole and Billy Liar.
He likes eye-make-up.
He prefers T-shirts to shirts when wearing a suit.
Favourite pastime – inquiries.
On a serious note, he is widely acknowledged as being an individual not afraid to think out of the box and a fervent disciple of the Healey School of Education which, whilst hugely popular in the seventies, inexplicably fell out of fashion. It is widely thought that a return to these sound principles will see Rayner’s Lane shoot up the international academic tables.
On a practical note – and something that Mr Burnham will uniquely be able to deliver in short order is a massive saving on the school’s ever-escalating Net Zero budget. Serendipitously, his wife Marie-France is a director at Be.EV, an electric vehicle charging network that was by happenstance able to help Mr Burnham in his last position. We confidently look forward to special rates for the rollout of our new ‘park & profit’ car scheme. The verdant playing fields will shortly be divided in two. Half will see solar panels installed, whilst we intend to make available a total of 30 electric bays and charging points in the remaining area.
On a positive note we hope shortly to confirm several staff changes. These include swapping Mr Miliband, who has done seriously great work with his Climate Armageddon module, to the demanding role of Bursar. Additionally, the fragrant Ms Rayner is negotiating a return to head the 4th form Obfuscation for Beginners tutorial.
Lastly, we would ask that parents kindly note the Headmaster’s new address:
Mr A. Burnham
IMF Bailout House
Professional Northerner Business Park
Turn The Lights Off Lane
We’re Doomed
Manchester
F1A SCO
Thanks to all the followers of school life and for your comments!
