IF, AS Denis Norden might have said, you are of a certain age, you may remember an afternoon TV quiz show hosted by the genial Derek Batey.* To describe Mr and Mrs as lightweight would be over-egging it.
Married couples usually of mature years were separately asked three charmingly innocent questions testing their knowledge of their partners’ habits. If a couple managed to answer all six questions correctly they waltzed off with the jackpot and a delightful carriage clock.
The pilot show, long thought to have been ‘wiped’, has fortunately just been found in ITV’s dusty archives, and TCW readers have been given the chance to read a transcript.
Derek Batey: Hello! And a very warm welcome to what we hope will be a regular appointment for you on Thursday afternoons. Please give a big hand to our first contestants, Peter and Nicola from Glasgow!
A rotund man and his diminutive wife shuffle centre stage. A member of the studio audience shouts ‘It’s the one from the Krankies!’ – this was edited out prior to broadcast.
DB: So welcome, Peter and Nicola! You’re not nervous, are you?
Peter shifts awkwardly.
Nicola (smiling): No, we’re thrilled to be here.
DB: Now, Nicola, we spoke beforehand and you have decided that Peter will go first and you will go into the soundproof booth while he tries to think what you might answer to three questions – so off you go!
Nicola is escorted to a glass box and waves to the audience.
DB: So, Peter, while Nicola makes herself comfortable, tell me a bit about yourself. What do you like to do in your spare time?
Peter: Well, I enjoy shopping.
DB: That’s lovely! Now, Peter, are you ready for the first question?
Peter nods.
DB: Just imagine that you won the pools and you were able to buy a top-of-the range motorhome. Which would Nicola say?
a) I know nothing about it;
b) Park it on your mum’s drive in Dunfermline;
c) Let’s go for a romantic trip to the Highlands.
Peter: That’s a tricky one, but I think she’ll say she knew nothing about it.
DB: OK, question two. You bring home a £1,199 Celestron NexStar computerised telescope with accessories and erect it in your conservatory. What would your wife say?
a) I know nothing about it;
b) Are the stars out tonight?
c) Is it a kaleidoscope?
Peter: Knowing my wife as well as I do, I’m certain she’d say she knew nothing about it.
DB: OK Peter, finally question three, and please take your time in answering it. You’ve popped to the shops and come home with two cars, three manicure sets, a breadbasket, a luxury coffee maker, eight umbrellas, two toilet seats and a man’s ‘slouch pouch onesie’. Would Nicola say:
a) How can we afford all this?
b) Have we won the pools?
c) Something else?
Peter: (laughing) If only we could afford things like that, but this time I think I must go for c) and say ‘something else’.
DB: OK, something else it is! What would she say, then?
Peter: Something along the lines that we both have a busy work life and rarely socialise and take holidays separately and also we have separate bank accounts.
A studio assistant opens the door of the glass box which apparently was not soundproof after all. Nicola marches across the stage shouting.
Nicola: Look, I know nothing about it! I have made that clear all along!
Derek Batey tries to calm things by telling an irate Nicola that he hasn’t yet asked her any questions, to no avail. An acrimonious argument between the couple ensues with some unsavoury allegations made. A police constable is summoned and escorts Peter off the stage.
Little is known of what became of these individuals whose antics could have scuppered the entire premise of the show. Fortunately, the other two participating couples, Boris and Carrie and Theresa and Philip, were far more suitable with homely tales of oven-ready deals and cornfields.
*TV buffs will undoubtedly be aware that Mr and Mrs was made by different ITV regions and other hosts included Norman Vaughan and Alan Taylor.
