As speculation mounts about attempts to replace Rishi Sunak as Prime Minister, TCW assesses the chances of the potential challengers.
Favourites:
Penny Mordaunt
Variously described as seductive, sultry, sneering, simple and stern, the member for Portsmouth North is adept at carrying swords. This alone may garner support from fellow MPs who have described themselves as the ‘world’s most sophisticated electorate’. Having sought the highest office twice, will the third time make her a ‘Lucky Penny’?
Tom Tugendhat
As a multi-lingual war veteran, Tom is seen by some as a unity candidate. The expensively educated, bespectacled son of a High Court Judge, he is the sort of Conservative one used to expect from Central Casting (Office). Tom has been invited to two recent meetings of the highly secretive Bilderberg Group. Consequently, he is no doubt well acquainted with instructions about future policy required by the WEF.
Jacob Rees-Mogg
Also known as Moggy, the Mogster, the Mogatron and Moggerdammerung, Jacob occasionally, deliberately or unknowingly, utters phrases which appear to represent traditional Conservative values. This along with his penchant for correct pronunciation and an over-enthusiastic use of hair gel means that he is unlikely to gain support from the Liberal Democrat wing of the party.
Ben Wallace
Ben, a former Army Captain, has the advantage of physically reflecting the mood of the nation. His gruff, unsmiling visage gives the impression of impending doom. He would no doubt make mincemeat of the wimpish Starmer were it to come to fisticuffs at PM’s Question Time. Such an entertaining event would no doubt add 20 points to the Conservatives’ poll ratings. Unfortunately, ‘Bruiser Ben’ is stepping down from his Lancashire constituency later this year.
Outsiders:
Rachel Reeves
The Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer and Labour member for Leeds West has become a born-again Thatcherite. She echoed our former leader by recently saying, ‘When we speak of a decade of national renewal, that is what we mean. As we did at the end of the 1970s, we stand at an inflection point.’As is the case with Rees-Mogg, Rachel may have undermined her chances by appearing to be regarded as ‘Far Right’ by the majority of Conservative members.
Sir Charles ‘Chatty’ Chatterton
Despite repeated pleading by chaps and lady chaps from all parts of the House, Sir Charles refuses to accept what he regards as a ‘poison chalice’. He has explained to his constituents in Greater Tittleham that the country is finished and they must build a locally resilient community with a well-armed resistance to foil further interference by government. Sir Charles is likely to spend much of his time in retirement hunting poachers and eating lemon drizzle cake.
Also Rans:
Bonzo
A Conservative Party member, Mrs Periwinkle from Boston, Lincolnshire, has written to Central Office to offer her crossbred terrier Bonzo as an interim Prime Minister ‘while the party sorts itself out’. She writes that whenever Bonzo sees Sir Keir Starmer on her wall-mounted 55-inch Samsung television, he growls uncontrollably and has to be restrained from launching himself from her leather sofa towards the Labour leader. Bonzo has destroyed two vases and a Wedgwood figurine in his attempts to attack Sir Keir. She believes Bonzo would make Prime Minister’s Question Time much more interesting.
A microwave oven
Several centrist members have suggested putting their weight behind a top-of-the-range microwave. They suggest that the device, adorned with a blue rosette, could be prominently placed in Waterloo Station to allow commuters to warm their Marks & Spencer porridge pots. By ingratiating themselves in this way they feel they may fend off the Liberal Democrats and hang on to a few seats in the South. The microwave oven would be the first Conservative Prime Minister in this century to do something positive for the nation.
No Hoper:
Johnson
This treacherous, supine swamp creature is thought by some deluded members to be an electoral asset. Cripes!