ALTHOUGH Our Man in Westminster, Charles ‘Chatty’ Chatterton, has been elevated to the Upper House, he is nevertheless committed to truth, transparency and decency. He is keen to do whatever he can to serve the best interests of his former constituents and is happy for TCW to publish a seasonal correspondence he has sent to them.
My Dear Friends
As we try to keep our peckers up despite the leaden clouds, no doubt manufactured by some maniacal foreign malefactor, it occurred to me that it has been some time since I wrote to you. I trust you will accept my sincerest apologies.
As you are aware, at your insistence and on my elevation to the Lords, I gifted my grandson Ivanhoe my seat in the House of Commons. I am pleased to report that he has kept his word to avoid any association with that den of vipers since he was elected. He knows that the good people of Tittleham want no truck with those scapegraces and rapscallions.
For my part I have occasionally visited the Upper House to meet old chums and partake of a glass or two of the decent Chablis on offer in the Peers’ Dining Room. During such visits I have had occasion to observe the rabble who were recently elected to the Commons. I noticed several women who seemed to have stepped out of a child’s colouring book, representatives of constituencies in the Middle East, and the usual bunch of nonentities from charities and finance who have never done a proper day’s work in their pampered lives. Furthermore, I gather that my old party is now led by a young lady whose parents hail from one of our former African colonies.
Despite the turpitude in the world at large, I am pleased to report that things are going splendidly at Tittleham Hall. Lady Veronica has begun to lace her lemon drizzle cake with limoncello and this has gone down well with the elderly ladies who visit the orangery for our ‘Wednesday Warmer’ sessions.
Catherine has returned to be my secretary, having parted company with her exotic millionaire, and I rely on her for administrative matters and to sort out my Attendance Allowance for the times I visit the Lords. Speaking of which, you will be pleased to note that I shall be putting £300 behind the bar of the Drunken Ferret on Christmas Eve to allow us to celebrate the coming of our Lord and Saviour in the traditional way. Perhaps you will then join us in the congregation at Saint Ethelwald’s. You will be relieved to hear that Lady Veronica has instructed the Reverend Slope to keep his sermon to no more than five minutes.
A series of events are planned for the festivities. Boxing Day will be the occasion of our annual Poacher Hunt. You are welcome to accompany my friends and I as we scour the estate for any signs of ne’er-do-wells equipped with poaching paraphernalia. It is several years since we were fortunate enough to come across such a person and it has so been decided to extend the scope of the Hunt to include socialists and illegal immigrants. Any we apprehend will be dealt with accordingly.
On the following day we will be celebrating the contribution that carbon dioxide brings to the environment with an enormous bonfire in the lower field. Please bring any combustibles you may have. The pile will be adorned with a figure representing the halfwit Miliband. Drinks and mince pies will be available afterwards in the Drunken Ferret.
On Saturday you are invited to gather on the village green of Middle Tittleham for a drone shoot. Please bring along your best Purdey, Benelli or Beretta. We shall attempt to down any unidentified flying object, alien or otherwise. A bottle of Bollinger awaits anyone who bags one of those curious orbs that I am told belong to the CIA. Please take care to avoid blackbirds, thrushes and tits, but there will be no recriminations if the odd crow or gull becomes collateral damage. We must make it clear that aliens are not welcome in Greater Tittleham. At dusk, we will gather for drinks and leftover sandwiches in the Drunken Ferret.
After all that excitement I am sure we will all need a couple of days rest before we embark on celebrations for the New Year. I wish I could predict that 2025 will be a better year but with Starmer and his fellow communists at the helm I very much doubt it. Nevertheless, we will plough on, fearing the worst but hoping for the best.
Still your humble servant
Lord Charles Chatterton
Tittleham Hall
Middle Tittleham
