ARE you infuriated by those ridiculous requests for feedback you get after you’ve bought something online or used some service? I certainly am. They’re probably generated by AI, but I can’t help sticking a spanner in their algorithms by replying to them. Here are a few of my latest exchanges . . .
1. Hi there, Weaver! We’d love to know more about your recent experience of submitting your gas meter reading.
Hi there, gas supplier! As I bent down to take a reading, I stumbled against the gas pipe and fractured it. I managed to get outside before the house exploded, but I was not insured. I am now living in a tent in my back garden.
Hi there, Weaver! Thanks for your feedback. We’re pleased to hear of your positive experience in submitting a meter reading. It plays a big part in improving our customer service.
2. Hi there, Weaver! We’d love to know how you found your experience of shopping with us for a pair of tweezers.
Hi there, male grooming firm! I used the tweezers to pluck hairs from my nostrils, but they cut the inside of my nose. I developed an infection and my nose has had to be amputated.
Hi there, Weaver! Thanks for your feedback. We’re pleased to hear of your positive experience with our tweezers. It plays a big part in improving our customer service.
3. Hi there, Weaver! Can you share with us your experience of using our mapping app to plan your recent car journey?
Hi there, mapping company! I followed your guidance and ended up in Halifax, Nova Scotia, instead of Halifax, West Yorkshire.
Hi there, Weaver! Thanks for your feedback. We’re pleased to hear of your positive experience with our mapping. It plays a big part in improving our customer service.
4. Hi there, Weaver! Can you take a moment to tell us about your experience buying sports tickets with us?
Hi there, sports ticket agency! I was looking forward to seeing Liverpool play Manchester United at Anfield, so I’m rather puzzled at getting seats for Ruthwell Rovers v Annan Town in the Dumfries Sunday Amateur Football League.
Hi there, Weaver! Thanks for your feedback. We’re pleased to hear of your positive experience with our sports ticket service. It plays a big part in improving our service to customers.
5. Hi there, Weaver! We’d like you to review for us your experience of using our online GP appointment service.
Hi there, GP surgery! By the time I got an appointment, I’d studied to be a doctor, qualified, and cured myself.
Hi there, Weaver! Thanks for your feedback. We’re pleased to hear of your positive experience with our GP service. It plays a big part in improving our service to patients.
6. Hi there, Weaver! We’d love to hear about your recent experience of using our online banking app.
Hi there, bank! I see my life savings have been transferred to a man in Timbuktu who needs a deposit to access a £20million inheritance from a long-lost relative to which I am entitled.
Hi there, Weaver! Thanks for your feedback. We’re pleased to hear of your positive experience with our online banking. It plays a big part in improving our service to customers.
7. Hi there, Weaver! Can you rate your experience of how your complaint about ridiculous online feedback requests has been handled?
Hi there, Ofcom! As your rules prohibit profanity, I’m logging off.