Last week Westminster City Council were embarrassed when it was pointed out that they had a display in a ground-floor window to celebrate Ramadan, but nothing about Easter, the holiest of Christian festivals. They remedied the omission on Maundy Thursday afternoon by placing two chocolate Easter eggs and two cut-out rabbits in another window. As a result of this panic, the council’s Celebrating Major Religions Sub-Committee had an emergency meeting and made the following recommendations for 2025:
Islam: It was unanimously agreed that the illumination of the West End for Ramadan was a great success. However, it was brought to the attention of those present that other dates of importance to the Islamic community were inadequately recognised. It was decided that from next year Regent Street will be lit up for Eid al-Adha, Ashura and Mawlid (to celebrate the birth of Muhammad). Additionally all food outlets will be required to close during daylight hours in the holy month of Ramadan.
Prideism: All Sub-Committee members expressed their satisfaction that Prideism was well recognised in the flags and displays arranged for the Pride month of June. However, a number of members were concerned that a degree of complacency was setting in. It was therefore agreed that May and July will also become Pride months. Furthermore during this period all Council employees will be required to dye their hair in rainbow colours. Wigs will be provided for those described as ‘follically challenged’.
Diversityism: Consternation and frustration was expressed by many members that their arch-rivals in Kensington and Chelsea were shaming Westminster in their celebration of Diversityism during the joyous occasion that is the Notting Hill Carnival. It was agreed that boarding up properties in Bayswater Road might induce Carnival participants to move toward the centre of the City. If that fails it was suggested that officers of the Metropolitan Police based in the City could attempt to attract the followers of Diversityism by gyrating in a peculiar way while sporting a silly grin.
Climatism: Members were happy with the encouragement they are giving to the Climate religion. The Citizens’ Climate Assembly, also known as the Committee of Public Safety, will soon have powers to confiscate and destroy any vehicle deemed unnecessary and detain heretical climate deniers. To improve air quality, 100 more miles of cycle lanes are to be created. Council officers have been instructed to work with London’s Mayor to ensure that the New Year Fireworks Display is devoted to the promulgation of Climatism.
Materialism: There was a heated discussion about the iconology associated with the Festival of Materialism in November and December. The majority of members believed it was too closely associated with a minor Christian event and should be held in October and November to avoid any hint of confusion. It was eventually agreed to keep the celebration to traditional dates but to forbid any displays of snowpeople, men or women with white beards, reindeers, wise people and, especially, babies in stables.
Christianity: Stung by criticism that their recognition of the most important date in the Christian calendar was to place two Easter eggs in a council window on Maundy Thursday afternoon, the Sub-Committee have decided that the number of eggs should be doubled and placed in the window on the morning of Maundy Thursday, subject to the date not clashing with any of the above celebrations. The motion was opposed by Conservative Councillor Noggins who believed that the cost of two extra eggs was unaffordable and that they might melt if put in place too early.
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