IN an article titled ‘Our human ancestors often ate each other, and for surprising reasons’, the once-respected left-wing New Scientist magazine criticises those who are ‘harbouring problematic attitudes’ towards cannibalism. Michael Marshall writes: ‘Racist stereotypes of the cannibal were concocted to justify subjugation [by imperial and colonial settlers]’. TCW canvassed the opinions of various organisations concerning the legalisation of cannibalism.
A SPOKESMAN for the Archbishop of Canterbury told us he was aware that the matter has been troubling members of the Synod for some time and he hoped that the new ‘Race Action Plans’ to be required from each parish would address the matter. ‘It may well transpire that some parishes will be in favour whilst others may prefer the status quo. One hesitates to be presumptuous on such matters.’ He ruled out enforcing cannibalism on parish Jacob’s Joins ‘for the foreseeable future’.
Cardinal Montecasino, the representative of the Holy See, told us that Pope Francis was considering the matter. ‘I believe he is double-checking the Holy Bible before making any statement. The Last Supper should not be taken as an endorsement of cannibalism, but we shall await the Holy Father’s guidance.’
There was a mixed reception from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. A spokesperson told us that they approved of any initiative to reduce the world’s population but they preferred the use of mRNA in vaccines and food, preferably their own branded Crunchy Crickets, Tasty Termites and Munchy Moths.
Unsurprisingly, Ron Currant from the Royal British Cannibal Society was enthusiastic about the proposal. ‘For far too long British cannibals have been seen as perverts and outcasts. The ban on cannibalism has been totally unfair to our low-income members who do not have access to the jungles of Borneo or posh London dinner parties and who don’t happen to be Hollywood movie stars. Perhaps, finally, they too will have the chance to indulge in their favourite food at a reasonable price and without the stigma hanging over their heads. We hope that before long there will be a Cannibal Month and we can have our own flag and marches like everyone else.’ TCW declined his offer of a selection of recipes from his self-published Currant’s Cannibal Cookbook.
Leopold de Witt-Templeton from the Conservative Party was dismissive of the assertion that the legalisation of cannibalism was not in its 2019 Manifesto. ‘Whatever, who gives a toss about that? Nothing that the government has done was in the Manifesto. Anyway it fits in perfectly with the Home Secretary’s plan to decriminalise abortion. To be honest, we are just messing with you now. Expect a ban on broccoli and legislation about the approved colour of socks.’
On behalf of the Labour Party, the Speaker of the House of Commons, Sir Lindsay Hoyle, issued the following statement: ‘I have yet to have a discussion with Keir on this matter. I promise to get back to you.’
Peregrine Birdbath, Emeritus Professor of Colonial Exploitation at the University of Oxford, told us: ‘In a very real sense there is so much evil associated with our colonial misadventures that one hardly knows where to begin. As such it is entirely appropriate that those customs and rituals that we once denigrated should be elevated to be given the esteem they so richly deserve. I look forward with eager anticipation to this legislation and hope it is followed by the enforced reintroduction of Suttee and death by stoning for adultery and minor misdemeanours. Perhaps it is not too much to hope that the tradition of slavery will also be reintroduced for certain communities.’