INCREASING numbers of Britons are reportedly becoming ‘preppers’ – preparing for disasters such as war, flood, lockdown and pandemic by laying in bulk supplies of food, water, medicine and other essentials. But a more immediate threat is on the horizon. With the build-up to a 2024 election and a possible Keir Starmer government, Britain will become a battlefield as the parties fight it out for our votes. So here’s what the savvy political prepper should be stockpiling in order to survive . . .
1. Toilet paper: To stuff in your ears during party political broadcasts.
2. Bottled water: To wash out the bad taste politicians leave in your mouth.
3. Waterproof matches: To burn election leaflets.
4. Hand-cranked radio: With all BBC stations disabled.
5. Diesel generator: To defy Net Zero propaganda.
6. Gas mask: To block out the whiff of hypocrisy.
7. Hazmat suit: To protect against election fever.
8. Magnifying glass: To search for a grain of truth in manifestos.
9. Binoculars: To spot canvassers approaching.
10. A whistle: To call your dog so he’ll bite the canvassers.
11. Tins of food: To throw at the canvassers if the dog doesn’t deter them.
12. Shovel: To forcefully dissuade persistent canvassers.
13. Parachute cord: To tie yourself to a table leg so you won’t kick in the TV screen when Sunak or Starmer appear.
14: Duct tape: To help you stick to your principles.
15. Hatchet, knife and saw: To cut through all the bull****.
16. Rat poison: In case of a Michael Gove infestation.
17. Slug pellets: To deter David Cameron.
18. Garlic cloves: To deter Peter Mandelson.
19. Survival manual: Suella Braverman’s resignation letter.
20. Defibrillator: For when you lose heart over the state of the country.
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