THERE are not enough construction workers in Britain to build the 1.5million new homes that Labour are promising during their first five years in power, according to a bombshell report.
However, the news has brought a dramatic response from the Government, I can reveal. In an unprecedented move, Sir Keir Starmer and his Cabinet colleagues have formed their own building firm – called the British Organisation To Construct Houses (Botch plc). And they have lost no time in getting started. Hard-hatted, hi-viz jacketed, and newly-nicknamed as befits building workers, the ministers are already busy bulldozing a prime stretch of the Green Belt. So let’s pop over there and see who’s who on site …
Foreman: Sir Keir ‘What a Tool’ Starmer. The construction gang boss cuts a rather dapper figure in his bespoke Waheed-Wear donkey jacket, with the sun glinting off his FreeVision safety glasses. Already he has shown his aptitude by inventing a new road surfacing material which he has called Starmac – doubtless sensing a personal affinity with its dense, turgid qualities. Sir Keir is primarily an administrator. However, he is always on hand to muck in with the lads if a hole needs drilling, or a chisel needs sharpening. It is thought he inherited such useful skills from his father, who is believed to have been a lowly toolmaker eking out a living on the breadline. But he never talks about him.
Electrician / plumber: Ed ‘Lights Out’ Miliband. A rather eccentric figure on site, he is often to be seen sitting alone on a plank during his lunch break reading How to Take Britain Back to the Stone Age while mumbling to himself and trying to eat a bacon butty. Skilled in ripping out perfectly good, economical gas boilers and replacing them with noisy, costly heat pumps. Often talks about covering Britain with windmills and solar panels, but fellow workers attribute this to his having been hit on the head by a falling brick.
Site supervisor: David ‘Sledgehammer’ Lammy. A larger-than-life go-getter whose recent projects included demolishing relations with the United States and demonstrating graphically how when you’re in a hole you should stop digging. Also laid the groundwork for co-operative ventures with the struggling European building firm of Von der Leyen & Partners GmbH.
Ganger: Angela ‘Newt Zero’ Rayner. Botch plc’s no-nonsense progress chaser and enforcer, she is ever ready to apply the steel toecaps of her seven-league Louboutins to anyone slacking on the job. Angie takes the initiative in clearing Green Belt land of any intrusive wildlife – especially newts – so that building can go ahead without interruption. On site, she is excused a hi-viz jacket because you can’t miss her Day-Glo orange hair.
Quantity surveyor: Rachel ‘The Hot-Shot Lady of Threadneedle Street’ Reeves. This acknowledged financial genius skilfully manages Botch plc’s budget to ensure savings are made in all areas. The successful economies she has introduced to the construction process include building houses without foundations. Also, when the site crew found themselves held up by a bottomless hole, she perfected the technique of pouring money down it. However, her scheme for ancillary workers to compulsory contribute half their wages to the Botch Benevolent Fund has not proved universally popular.
Recruitment clerk: Yvette ‘Send ’Em Over’ Cooper. She masterminds the import of skilled foreign workers for Botch plc via her efficient Dinghy to Dreamland cross-Channel ferry service. Cooper has won praise because the workmen’s huts she provides to accommodate the recruits are said to be so well fitted out that they could be mistaken for three-star hotels. So far this year, she has boosted the workforce by around 20,000.
Transport overseer: Louise ‘Dial F for Fraud’ Haigh. Site workers are still coming to terms with the tragic loss of Ms Haigh after she threw herself under a passing JCB while upset over losing her mobile phone.
